


Just friends

by Porcelainduck



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Fluff, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:14:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 30,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25405972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Porcelainduck/pseuds/Porcelainduck
Summary: Wolfstar major slow burn. Uni AU. James and Sirius had been friends since the start of highschool, but when James gains an obsession for a cute ginger girl who lives in their dorm, Sirius ends up spending rather a lot of time with her friend Remus.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 68
Kudos: 220





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I swear this is a Wolfstar fic not a Jily one, it's just a very slow slow burn so please bare with :) I'm posting the first two today but the others are gonna be more staggered, though I'll try to post every other day if I can.

**Chapter 1**

****

James and Sirius had been best friends since they were eleven. Since their first day of highschool they'd been inseparable mischief makers, so when they got into the same university, they were, of course, ecstatic. Naturally they'd chosen to live in the same halls, and, by chance, had ended up on the same corridor with rooms next to each other. It couldn't have turned out any better for them. And so, Sirius and James had spent the first couple weeks just settling in, going to classes, getting smashed, living their lives without any major disturbances. That is, until James spotted a certain red headed girl in their building's rec room one night. Sirius had been at a lecture and James had been sitting, reading business textbook when he noticed her. And from then on James would not shut up about her to Sirius.

****

They spend a lot of time in the rec room, James pretending to study while waiting for the girl to appear, and Sirius was getting increasingly fed up with James' obsession, especially since she seemed to spend basically no time there. Sirius hadn’t even seen this girl but he was pretty sure he could pick her out of a line up of twenty redheads with the amount of times James had described her.  
"You don't even know anything about her."  
"I know that she's smart and pretty."  
"Do you even know her name?"  
"Well… no, but-"  
"But nothing. I’ve had enough. Either talk to her or drop it.”  
“You know I can’t talk to her, I think she has a boyfriend. She’s always hanging out with this one guy.”  
“All the more reason to drop it then, eh James?”  
“But what if they’re not dating? What if they’re just friends and I’m just sitting around doing nothing?”  
“You know the solution to that, don’t you?”  
James huffed and rolled his eyes.  
“Talk to her, I know.”  
James looked so glum Sirius felt he had to do something. He punched James playfully on the shoulder and grinned at him.  
“Hey, what about I talk to her first? I’ll ask if she’s dating her ‘friend’ so then at least you don’t have to embarrass yourself.”  
James looked alarmed.  
“What if she thinks you're attracted to her?! What if she decides to be into you instead of me?!”  
Sirius raised an eyebrow and chuckled a little.  
“In this jacket? Really, James?”  
Sirius was, of course, right. He was currently wearing his black denim jacket with sleeves rolled up to his elbows. The whole back panel of the jacket was a pride flag, which he had painted himself. He had also painted the chest pockets to be pride flags. Sirius was always wearing some sort of pride flag on his outfit; whether it be the badges on his cropped black leather jacket, the shoelaces of his docs, even his nails from time to time are painted rainbow. Last year when he attended pride he’d plaited little rainbow ribbons into his dark brown shoulder length hair. It was impossible to meet Sirius Black and not know he was gay.  
“Okay, yes, fine. But we’re only talking to her if she’s alone. There is no way I’m letting you ask her if she’s single in front of her potential boyfriend.”  
“Fine, but when i ask her I’m not leaving you out of it.”  
“What?! No!”  
“If I don’t tell her I’m asking for a friend she’ll think I’m such a weirdo.”  
“Well yeah but you don’t have to mention me specifically.”  
Sirius gave James a doubtful look, muttering under his breath.  
“She’ll find out anyway eventually.”

****

So, they continued to spend the next few days spending all their free time in the rec room. Sirius usually trying (and failing) to use this time to study, then practicing (or if need be, studying) into the night, causing him to get very little sleep. That, however, was fine. He was used to it. He’d never slept very well, so for once being able to do something instead of lying silently in bed felt so freeing to him. Being a music student took up so much of his time. When he wasn’t working (he was a waiter at a small out of town restaurant) or playing piano (or rather the keyboard in his room), he was composing, or studying, or listening to different pieces. So with his free time being taken up by James’ hunt for the ginger girl he hadn’t really gotten any other friends. Not that Sirius wasn’t sociable. No. He was almost like an excited dog when it came to meeting new people. He was always outgoing and smiley (despite his mostly black apparel, band t-shirts, and often heavy eyeliner), and so was at least acquaintances with everyone in his class. However, once class ended he always ended up either alone doing work or sat in the rec room with James. Today however (like every Thursday), James had football practice with the uni’s team. James practiced at least twice a week (every Thursday and Saturday), time which Sirius usually spent composing. But today was different. He had just handed in his first short composition piece for revisions and so had time to catch up on his assigned reading. Sirius had had very little sleep the night before, less even than usual, and before he even noticed what was happening, his legs had carried him not to his own room, but instead to the rec room. 

****

When Sirius realised where he was he was about to turn and leave, when he saw a pretty ginger girl sat at a table in a corner, a chemistry textbook in her hands and notes splayed all over the desk in front of her. Her cheeks scattered with freckles, and her almond eyes as green as emeralds. There was no doubt about it. This was James' rec room redhead. The girl upon which they had a deal. And since Sirius couldn't see any signs of someone else sitting at her table he had to do it. A slight thrill ran through Sirius' body and he realised how quickly James' obsession could be over, how they could go back to normal, and how he might even be able to get a social life outside of James Potter. 

****

The excitement of the prospect gave Sirius the energy to be his usual extroverted self, and walked up to the girl.  
"Hey, do you have a minute?"  
The girl took a second, finishing the paragraph she was reading before grabbing some sort of receipt and using it as a bookmark and closing the book, setting it down in front of her and looking up to meet Sirius' eyes.  
"Go ahead."  
Her tone was a little impatient but not unkind, after all she had clearly been busy. Sirius took the seat opposite her and smiled politely, if a little awkwardly.  
"So… this is going to sound a bit weird and out of the blue, but are you single? I'm asking for a friend."  
She rolled her eyes sceptically, then raised an eyebrow, looking almost in disgust at Sirius.  
"I'm serious! I don't wanna date you!"  
In Sirius' haste to correct his mistake, he didn't even consider the fact that he was coming across as rude.  
"Oh how flattering. Forgive me if I seem a bit unresponsive, it's because I simply don't enjoy being insulted."  
"No! I didn't mean it like that! I'm sure you're very nice and you're definitely pretty, I just… well…"  
Sirius takes his hands out of his pockets, displaying his rainbow nails.  
"I'm gay."  
"Ah."  
The girl looked slightly apologetic.  
"What does your friend want then?"  
“Like I said, to know if you're single. He thinks you're hot and apparently he's seen you with some guy a lot and isn't sure if he's your boyfriend or not."  
The girl laughed a little.  
"What? Remus? No, he's not. We're just friends."  
"Okay, and is there anyone else? Any significant other at all?"  
"Nope. Just me."  
"My friend will be glad to hear."  
Sirius grins and gets up to leave.  
"By the way, what _is_ your name?"  
"Sirius, and you?"  
"Lily."  
"Well, I expect I'll be seeing you around."  
He said as she reopened her book.  
"Yeah, see you."  
And with that, Sirius left, finally going to his room.

****


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

When Sirius next saw James, the first thing he did was tell him what had happened.  
"So she's single?"  
James' face had split into a wide grin the second Sirius had finished his explanation.  
"Yes, but she doesn't respond particularly well when she thinks she's being hit on… or when she's insulted for that matter."  
"Oh my God Sirius, what did you do?!"  
"I just asked her if she was single… and forgot to mention at first that I'm gay."  
"Nice one. Any chance she doesn't completely hate me yet without even knowing me?"  
"I'd say you shouldn't lose hope completely, she didn't tell me to fuck off straight away. Plus she is single and as far as I'm aware, into guys."  
"Well that's a good start."  
"It certainly is."  
"...So what do I do now?"  
Sirius looked exasperatedly at James.  
"Come on mate, it's not that hard to figure it out."  
"I know, I know. I'll talk to her."  
"Good. And make sure you mention me, at least then you're not a total stranger."  
"So long as you didn't tell her I'm a creep-"  
"You mean tell her the truth? No, I didn't."  
Sirius said jokily.  
“Ha ha, very funny.”  
“I thought so.”  
“Well anyway, I’ll talk to her next time she’s alone.”  
"Great, just let me know if you want me to introduce you when you eventually decided to actually do something."  
James rolls his eyes.  
"I will, don't worry."

Unfortunately for Sirius, the endless amount of time spent in the rec room didn't decrease. At the time he'd considered lying to James just to get him to stop, but he knew he'd feel bad if he had. They had seen Lily a couple of times since the encounter, but both times she'd been with her friend. _Her excessively attractive friend_. Sirius knew better than to spend too much time looking though, he wasn't like James in that way, he knew when to stop. He knew that staring at random hot guys didn't do him any good. So whenever he saw the guy, he spent as little time as possible looking at him. He didn't actively avoid him, just tended not to look his way. After all, he was pretty sure the other guy didn't even know he was there.

Luckily, one day when James and Sirius walked in, there Lily was again, all alone. A grin spread across James' face. It was finally going to happen, he was going to speak to her. When Sirius didn't do anything James elbowed him rather harder than necessary.  
"Ow! What was that for?!"  
"The girl, Lily, she's alone."  
James whispered to Sirius.  
"Oh, right. Come on then."  
Sirius grabbed James' arm and started to drag him over, after a second James pulled his arm loose and swaggered up to her, Sirius walking ever so slightly behind.  
"Uhm, hi?"  
Lily looked up, a little confused at first, before seeing Sirius next to him.  
"Oh."  
Realisation spread across her face and she rolled her eyes. Sirius decided that introductions were in order.  
"Lily, James. James, Lily."  
"Nice to meet you."  
James' face was plastered with a cocky smile, he put out one hand to shake Lily's. She just looked at him with mild disgust.  
"You're the boy my friend keeps saying stares at me."  
James looked slightly awkward for a second, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, before resuming his confident (if slightly arrogant) demeanor.  
"You try not staring at the prettiest thing in the room."  
Lily grimaced, looking James up and down.  
"If I tell you that your attitude is off-putting will you leave me be?"  
"Probably not. But if you tell me you're not at all interested I will."  
"Are you physically unable to take a hint?"  
"Generally, yes. Especially when it comes to people as beautiful as you."  
"You're horrendous."  
"You're stunning."  
Lily looked at Sirius. _Seriously?_ But all Sirius did was look back apologetically.  
"Please leave, I'm trying to get work done."  
"Okay, for now, but I'm not going to let this go unless you tell me you're completely uninterested."  
Lily just rolled her eyes again and went back to her notes, leaving James to swagger off, looking far more chuffed than he should.  
"I'm so sorry Lily."  
Sirius said quietly so as not to let James hear.  
"It's fine, he's just quite…"  
And Lily, much to Sirius' surprise, blushed.  
"A lot?"  
Sirius suggested.  
"You could say that."  
A small smile crossed her face, and Sirius walked off, following James out of the rec room.

The next few weeks went on like that. Every time James saw Lily he would start to flirt, majorly, and every time Lily would come across as uninterested or disgusted, but she never actually turned him away. She knew what she would have to say if she wanted him gone but she never said it.  
"Just ask her out James."  
Sirius said one time after a particularly long flirting session, where by the end Lily had been blushing so much her face was almost as red as her hair.  
"But what if she rejects me? I can't see why she wouldn't, she's never actually said anything nice to me."  
"If she wanted to reject you she would've done it already. And even if she does reject you then at least you know and you can move on with your life."  
Sirius sounded frustrated, because in all honesty he was. For one, he couldn't understand why she hadn't just rejected James yet. He had been harassing her for weeks now and she had never once given him anything back. But then again if she wasn’t attracted to him then why hadn't she done anything? All Sirius could think was that she was waiting for James to ask her out, whether to have him make a fool of himself or because she actually wanted to date him.  
"We had a deal before, let's have another. The next time you see her alone ask her out, okay?"  
James looked slightly nervous for a second before giving in and nodding.  
"Okay."  
And so all Sirius had to do now was wait. Hopefully this time it would _actually_ be over.

"I did it Sirius!"  
James had come bursting into Sirius' room, face split into the widest smile. Sirius had work he had desperately needed to get done so had opted out of his and James' usual rec room time. It had been a couple days since their deal had been set in motion and Sirius was just glad James' hadn't backed out completely.  
"And I assume she said yes?"  
"YES!"  
James collapsed onto Sirius' bed, splaying out like a starfish.  
"Great. Now you can just date her and leave me out of it."  
"About that…"  
James suddenly sounded tentative, as if asking for a favour.  
"Oh no, what did you do?"  
Sirius was worried now. _What could this mean?!_  
"Well, she said she'd only go on a date with me if she could bring a friend, like a double date, in case things went wrong."  
"That sounds reasonable."  
Sirius was worried he could see where this was going.  
"But she doesn't have any friends who I could set someone I know up with, so I said I'd bring you, and you and her friend could have a friend-date."  
"Friend-date? Seriously?"  
"I'm sorry! It was the only solution I could think of!"  
"Urgh! Fine. I'll go on the stupid friend-date with some stupid girl from her lab or whatever. Don't expect me to be nice though if she's a twat."  
"It's not any stupid girl from any chemistry class, it's her friend Remus."  
Sirius froze for a second in shock.  
"You mean Remus who sits with her in the rec room?"  
"Unless you know any other Remus' who she's friends with then yeah, I'm pretty sure it's him."  
Suddenly, Sirius' tone went flat and sharp.  
"I can't go. I'm busy that day."  
"I didn't even say what day it was. What's your problem with Remus?"  
"Nothing. I don't even know him. I'm just busy."  
Sirius' voice started to get slightly panicky then.  
"No, you're not. I made sure it was on a day when we were going to hang out anyway so that you couldn't ditch me."  
"Oh great."  
Sirius' voice dripped with sarcasm, but James either didn't notice or didn't care.  
"Yes. It is. Now if you'll excuse me I've got to think about what I'm wearing for my date tomorrow."  
"Tomorrow?!"  
"Yes. One pm tomorrow. Lunch date."  
"On a Sunday? Everywhere will be crowded!"  
"Oh well, too late to change it now. I'll come get you from your room at quarter to and you better be ready to leave by then."  
Sirius slumped over his desk as James got up.  
"Fine."  
Sirius wasn't even sure if James had heard him over the slamming of the door (James always slammed doors), but it didn't matter. Sirius had a friend-date to plan for. A friend-date with the hot guy at which he refused to stare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise, Remus will properly be in the next chapter, trust me, this is a Wolfstar fic.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly this is more of a half chapter with the next one as the other half, but in order to keep it short i split it in two.

**Chapter 3**

For a friend-date, Sirius was taking a long time picking out his clothes. For whatever reason, Sirius’ usual band t-shirt, ripped jeans combo wasn’t doing the trick. _It’s not even a proper date!_ He kept telling himself that, but it was no use, he couldn’t help feeling like he needed to dress of an at least somewhat higher standard than usual. _But it’s just a friend-date, I can’t look like I’m trying too hard._ So, he picked up his only pair of non-ripped jeans (a black, skinny pair), a white metallica t-shirt, his cherry red docs, and a black blazer (sleeves rolled up to his elbows). He inspected his nails, which were thankfully just painted yesterday, a glossy black, still perfectly pristine. He stood in front of the mirror, fussing with his hair which was falling in messy waves in front of his face. He tucked one side behind his ear. _Better, but not right._ He grabbed a bobble from his bedside table and tied the top half into a messy bun, letting a few strands to continue to hang down, brushing his cheeks, the bottom half still grazing his shoulders. _Good enough._ A sudden knock on the door and a look at the clock above his queen-size bed told Sirius it was time to go.

Sirius sat on his bed and began to tie his laces. Another knock was heard, louder than the last, and James’ voice along with it.  
“Come on! I don’t wanna be late!”  
His voice was a mix of nerves and excitement, the butterflies in his stomach almost audible in his speech.  
“Coming.”  
Sirius was trying his best to sound calm, possibly even bored, but in reality he was as nervous as James sounded. It had been a while since he’d been on a date, and even if this wasn’t really a date, he still had to be entertaining enough to let Lily and James not spend the whole time talking to their friends instead of each other. He may well have no chance with this guy romantically, but he wasn’t going to stop that from letting them become friends, because if all went well with Lily and James, he needed someone new to trail.

When Sirius finally opened the door (only about thirty seconds later), James was literally biting his nails with anxiety.  
“Don’t do that James, you know it ruins your nails.”  
“Funnily enough I don’t care about my nails, I’m not like you. Speaking of, did you repaint your nails after I left? I could’ve sworn they weren’t black yesterday.”  
“Well… I-”  
“And those jeans, you look a lot more tidy than usual.”  
“That’s only so-”  
“Not to mention your blazer. You look almost as if... No. Seriously?”  
“You know full well that I’m _always_ Sirius.”  
A sly smile crept onto Sirius’ face. Ever his favourite joke, and an excellent avoidance tactic.  
“You know what I mean.”  
James started to walk, he wasn’t going to let Sirius’ awful puns make him late.  
“No, I don’t, actually.”  
The sly smile had now gone. James pressed the lift button.  
“Sirius, you’re all dressed up.”  
“I’m not! I’m only dressed better than you, but there’s no surprise there.”  
Sirius couldn’t have sounded any more defensive if he tried. A soft _ding_ sounded, and he quickly stepped in the lift. James followed him in his usual hoodie and jeans, the only difference being that they were obviously newly cleaned.  
“You know he’s straight, right? Or at least already seeing someone.”  
James’ tone of voice was verging on sympathetic.  
“How do _you_ know?”  
“Because Lily told me she didn’t have anyone she could set you up with for a double date, that’s why it was just a friends thing.”  
“Well that’s fine, it’s not like I’m even into him.”  
But it wasn’t fine. Not completely. James however, decided to ignore it, because the lift had stopped, the doors sliding open, and there stood Lily, with her friend Remus.

James was, of course, the first to speak.  
“Looking good, Evans.”  
Lily had told him that a first name basis was for friends (which they, apparently, were not), so James had started calling her by her surname, Evans.  
“Shame the same can’t be said for you.”  
This was normal talk for the two of them. James throwing cocky compliments, Lily hurling sassy retorts back. Sirius could tell that even if they did end up together, properly together, it was very unlikely their game would ever cease. When James swaggered up to her, offering his arm and she gently shoved him away, smiling, even giggling a little, it was obvious that for whatever reason, she liked him. And James, of course, adored her back. Unfortunately for Sirius, he couldn’t concentrate on Lily and James for long.  
“Hey.”  
Remus’ soft voice caught Sirius’ attention at once. If Sirius had thought he looked beautiful (and Sirius, despite never giving him a proper look, definitely did), it was nothing compared to his voice. One word and it was all over for Sirius. Remus’ voice was crushed velvet. Graceful, soft, warm, but not without a clear rugged edge. It sent shivers down his spine and made his words catch in his throat.  
“You must be Sirius?”  
Sirius had to blink a couple times before shifting his gaze to look at Remus, and almost losing his composure once again just from looking at him from across the mostly empty lounge.  
“Yeah. Remus, right?”  
Even in his overwhelmed state, Sirius could almost always keep his chilled demeanour.  
“Yep. Nice to meet you.”  
Remus smiled politely, and it was almost too much for Sirius. Almost.  
“You too.”  
Sirius started to walk, trailing Lily and James who had just left through the front doors. He didn’t even look back to check to see if Remus was following, he had to try to come across as careless as possible. He couldn’t let this probably straight guy know how much of an affect he was having on him.

After about ten seconds of walking, Sirius couldn’t help but look back, if nothing else just to check to see if Remus was following, which thankfully he was. He was walking slowly, or at least, he looked as if he was. Somehow he managed to keep pace with the rest of them without ever breaking a stroll. _It must be his legs_. Sirius concluded. They were quite long, but not especially disproportionately. He was, after all, quite tall. At least six foot two from what Sirius could tell. He had an old, brown leather satchel slung over one shoulder, and his hands lay comfortably in the pockets of his light grey-brown Belstaff Milford coat. When he saw Sirius looking back at him he smiled, and Sirius couldn’t help but stop for a second to let Remus catch up. Even if he was going to fane a lack of romantic interest, that didn’t mean he couldn’t be nice, it didn’t mean he couldn’t at least pretend to be his usual self.

Even when walking side by side, Sirius didn’t look at Remus. For one: when stood this close next to him, he would have to actually crane his neck up to meet Remus’ eye; and for another: he was sure that at lunch he would have to look at Remus up close for long enough, without having to do so now as well. Despite this, they managed to make pleasant conversation (Sirius had always been good at talking).  
“So, what do you study?”  
“English literature.”  
Sirius had to hold back a laugh, his amused tone however failing not to seep through.  
“Of course you do.”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
Remus had put on a mock-offended voice.  
“I just mean, well, look at you! You’re dressed like Sherlock Holmes!”  
This made Remus laugh, and Sirius gave into his own laugh too, to if nothing else, distract himself from the charm of Remus’.  
“Okay, okay, fair point. By that logic then, you must be… let me guess… a music student?”  
“Lucky guess.”  
“Sherlock Holmes doesn’t guess, he deduces.”  
Remus’ voice was playful and light, Sirius could feel his heart race with each syllable.  
“What else did you deduce then?”  
“Well that would be telling.”  
“And what’s wrong with that?”  
“I... might be wrong.”  
Remus dug his hands deeper into his pockets as he said it, suddenly seeming shy.  
“Well the only way to find out is by letting me correct you.”  
Sirius tried to sound reassuring, giving him a friendly nudge with his shoulder.  
“I guess so...”  
“Go on then. Don’t keep me waiting Mr Holmes.”  
This caused Remus to chuckle, his nerves seemingly eased at least a little.  
“Okay then. Well, firstly you’re wearing a metallica t-shirt, so either you’re just wearing it because you think it looks cool or because you like the band, and judging by the rest of your ensemble it’s the latter.”  
Remus was speaking fast, barely taking a break for air. Sirius rubbed his hands together in exaggerated anticipation.  
“Good start, what else?”  
“You have unchipped painted nails so either don’t play string instruments very often, or you painted them very recently, my bets are on recently painted because of the aforementioned fondness of heavy metal, so you probably play guitar, possibly base.”  
“Very impressive. Anything else?”  
“Well if the badge on your lapel is anything to go off, you’re gay. Which isn’t surprising considering the rest of your outfit, the dms, the skinny jeans, the fact that you own a non school blazer at all really.”  
“Wow, accurate and judgy.”  
Sirius was mildly surprised by the bluntness of Remus’ attitude here, though not at all put off by it. Remus was clever, that was obvious, and it just made him all the more appealing to Sirius.  
“So I didn’t get anything wrong?”  
Remus was clearly surprised too, Sirius’ attitude had suggested that he was generally correct.  
“Just one thing. I _did_ paint my nails last night and I _do_ play guitar, and occasionally base, _but_ my main instrument is piano.”  
Remus raised his eyebrows.  
“Hm, I would never have figured that out.”  
“Don’t worry, even the great Sherlock Holmes gets things wrong from time to time.”  
“Obviously. You just watched it happen.”  
Sirius bit his lip, but even then he couldn’t hold back his laughter. Soon enough they were both laughing hysterically, neither quite sure why, the joke hadn’t even been that funny, but something about them; maybe the fact that they’d just met, or their already formed inside joke, or perhaps it was something different, a feeling, a feeling that this, whatever it was was right, and it meant they just couldn’t stop laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! Remus!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's part two I guess if it even counts as a two parter???

**Chapter 4**

Lily stood in her peasant skirt and denim jacket, holding the cafe door open with one hand, the other planted firmly on her hip.  
“Come on, boys. We’re here.”  
She was, of course, talking to Sirius and Remus, who were still laughing at Remus’ not-all-that-funny joke. James had already sat down at a four person table by the window, tapping at the table nervously with the salt shaker.  
“Probably best, before James implodes.”  
Sirius said through his laughter.  
“Boys!”  
The strict tone of Lily’s voice made both Sirius and Remus jump, snapping them instantly out of their laughter. 

They both walked in, looking at the floor like misbehaving school children, Lily walking behind them, a grin on her face, looking completely unphased. Sirius plonked himself down next to James, nudging him so that he’ll look up and notice Lily sitting across from him. It wasn’t until then that Sirius realised that meant that he was sitting across from Remus. _This is going to be difficult._ Trying not to look at someone you’re sitting opposite, especially when the other two people are on a date, is (in all fairness to Sirius) almost impossible.  
“Shall we look at the menu then?”  
Lily was sounding far more cheery then when they first met up in the lounge. _Maybe she and James finally had an actual conversation._ Sirius thought as he grabbed one of the two menus on the table to share with James. James however was seemingly already sharing a menu with Lily, they were both trying to read it sideways with varying degrees of success. That left only one option for Sirius, he had to share with Remus. He laid down the menu facing to his right so that they could both try to read it sideways as Lily and James had. The food mainly consisted of sandwiches, toasties, jacket potatoes, and of course, the soup of the day (leek and potato). Sirius dragged his finger down the list, hovering next to the ones he liked the description of. Finally he lifted his hand and placed a finger resolutely next to the BLT.  
“Is that what you’re getting?”  
“Yep. What about you?”  
“I can’t quite decide. I’m stuck between the soup of the day and the three cheese toastie.”  
“Oh, toastie all the way.”  
“Toasty it is then.”  
Remus also placed a long finger on the menu, mimicking Sirius’ action. However, the second Remus’ hand was still on the laminated card, Sirius froze. There was a long, thin scar running from under Remus’ sleeve and along the back of his hand, a couple other small scars were there too. A very small one ran along his thumb, and another wrapped around, presumably onto his palm.  
“Sirius, are you okay?”  
Concern was evident in Remus’ words. Lily and James weren’t paying attention, they were too busy flirting and choosing their food. Remus’ hand dropped its position and just lay gently on the table, he reached out his other and held his own wrist, fiddling with his coat sleeve with his thumb in an anxious fashion. There were scars on that hand too, not as noticeable as the larger one on his right hand, but definitely there. Sirius furrowed his brow in confusion.  
“Sirius?”  
His voice was quiet, worried. Sirius looked up to meet his eyes properly for the first time. Before then he’d only seen him from across a room. He’d seen a tall, handsome young man, with quite a long face and straight nose. But he’d never let himself look for too long, never let himself actually _look_ at Remus’ face. He was still handsome, so very handsome, and Sirius had been right about his long face. His nose was straight too, and thin, but with a slight bump between his eyes. His skin was a pale olive, as if if he spent any length of time in the sun it would go a rich golden colour, but instead he stayed inside. A light dusting of freckles lay on his cheeks and across his nose. His eyelashes were long, and dusty brown like his hair; his eyes were light brown and shot with gold. Everything about him was a shade of golden brown. Warm, and inviting. Everything but his scars. They were a pale pink, the same shade as his skin, so from a distance they would’ve been barely even noticeable. But up close they were obvious. Old, but clearly once very deep, cutting across his whole face. The largest ran from the bridge of his nose right to his jaw, with a smaller one on either side. There were many others scattered across his freckled face and long neck. There was another eye-catching one slicing across his rather prominent brow, right through his left eyebrow, which if you weren’t looking carefully could possibly be mistaken as an eyebrow slit. Sirius, however, was looking carefully. For the first time he was allowing himself to look, and look he did. He was absolutely mesmerized, despite the scars. No, not despite anything. Everything about Remus was beautiful. The scars were a fleeting memory, a concern of the past, now all that mattered was Remus’s stunning face. His thin, sharp, gorgeous face. The face upon which the more Sirius looked, the more he realised how, in a strange sort of way, the scars suited Remus. Despite his not particularly high cheekbones, Remus’ face was beautifully structured, all angles and rough edges, all of which were only accentuated by the scars. His face suited his voice in every way imaginable. Cozy, comforting, but still with that rugged edge.

Remus noticed Sirius’ wide eyes and agape mouth, instantly looking embarrassed and ashamed.  
“Oh.”  
It took Sirius a moment before he could compose himself enough to respond.  
“Oh, what?”  
Remus looked away, he could no longer look Sirius in the eye.  
“You’ve never… never looked at me this close before, have you?”  
“No, but… OH. No! That’s not why- I just- Really, it has nothing to do with-”  
Sirius was getting progressively flustered, he hadn’t meant to offend Remus at all.  
“It’s fine, don’t worry, I’m used to it.”  
He sounded sad, but not offended, Sirius wasn’t sure which would’ve been preferable.  
“No, really Remus, it wasn’t that, I swear.”  
Sirius’ genuine tone seemed to catch Remus off-guard slightly.  
“Really?”  
“Really.”  
Sirius reached out a hand and reassuringly placed it over Remus’, squeezing it slightly, then withdrawing it again. Remus gave a small smile and it seemed to re-light the flames in Sirius’ chest. Remus looked over to see Lily and James, still flirting, now completely ignoring their menu.  
“Ready to order?”  
Remus’ tone was a lot lighter than Sirius had expected after such an incident, at least at surface level, Remus had seemingly gotten over it.  
“Oh, yeah, I think so.”  
James said without taking his eyes off of Lily.  
“Great, are you coming or are you going to tell me what you two are getting?”  
“A ham and cheese toastie for me and the soup of the day for Lily.”  
James grinned as he said her name, and she gave him a mischievous smile back.  
“Sirius, can you come with so you can help me carry it all?”  
“Sure. If you need it.”  
Remus gave him a come on, let’s give them some alone time kind of look.  
“Of course I do. Lily ordered the soup, remember. And after all, Holmes couldn’t get anything done without Watson?”  
Sirius chuckled and got up. _I suppose Remus had gotten over it after all_. He could tell then, no matter how badly the date between Lily and James went, there was no way this would turn out badly for him and Remus.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive the pun haha

**Chapter 5**

Thankfully, the date went smoothly (or as smooth as first dates can go). Lily and James didn’t stop flirting, and Sirius and Remus didn’t stop chatting. Whenever there was an awkward silence it was easily filled with questions to the other people at the table, but the group discussions were short-lived, soon enough they were back to talking in their respective pairs. Their food was good (if a little expensive) and their conversation was in general never too _Sirius_ (as he would say). In the end, it concluded with a fairly solid plan for a second date for Lily and James (alone this time), and a decision on Sirius and Remus’ part to start hanging out together, since they had gotten along so well. All in all, the whole thing was a success. The only awkward moment was when they got back to their building. No one was quite sure whether they should all go back to their rooms or whether they could continue to hang out. Eventually James spoke up.  
“I should probably get back to my room, I’ve got an essay due by Tuesday.”  
Scattered murmurs of ‘me too’ and ‘yeah, same’ were mumbled, and so they said their goodbyes before heading their separate ways. Lily and Remus to the rec room, Sirius and James back to their rooms. Just before they left however, James ran up to Lily and kissed her on the cheek, before returning to Sirius’ side. Lily went redder than Sirius had ever seen her, but she didn’t say anything, she just smiled slightly and continued to walk towards the rec room.

When the lift arrived at their floor and the boys got out, James instantly grabbed Sirius by the arm and dragged them both into his room.  
“I thought you had work to do.”  
Sirius complained as he sat down at James’ desk chair (James had already sat down on his bed).  
“It’s due by Tuesday, I’ll do it tomorrow.”  
James was always leaving work to the last minute.  
“So why did you leave?”  
“Obviously to make leaving less awkward, I wanted to talk to you.”  
“You could’ve talked to me there.”  
“I wanted to talk to you alone.”  
James sounded surprisingly serious, and it was making Sirius worry.  
“Why? What’s wrong?”  
Sirius’ voice was clearly full of concern. _Had something gone wrong that I didn’t notice?_ But it was no such issue.  
“Nothing’s… _wrong_ per se, I just need to talk to you.”  
“Okay? Talk then.”  
Sirius didn’t sound at all convinced, but he wasn’t going to stop that from letting James speak.  
“I think she likes me.”  
James sounded more scared than happy, and Sirius couldn’t understand why.  
“And that’s a bad thing?”  
“No! I just… What if I disappoint her?”  
“Oh James, you won’t disappoint her.”  
Sirius was speaking with such sympathy and care that it would’ve been almost impossible not to be comforted by his words.  
“Why not?”  
“Because you’re already being yourself around her, and if she likes that then she won’t be disappointed.”  
“I suppose not.”  
Despite James’ reluctant tone, Sirius knew he’d be okay. Especially when after a while of contemplation, James spoke up again.  
“What about you though, are you gonna be okay?”  
The playful attitude of James’ voice made it clear to Sirius that there was more to the question than simple concern for a friend.  
“Of course, why?”  
Suspicion filled Sirius’ words, but the suspicion was soon gone when James replied.  
“I dunno, maybe something to do with the way you were behaving around Remus.”  
James waggled his eyebrows and Sirius rolled his eyes.  
“We’re just friends, James. Get a grip.”  
“Oh I know you’re just friends, that’s why I was asking if you were okay, you want more than that and it’s obvious.”  
“What?! It’s not- I don’t- Is it?!”  
Sirius’ panic did nothing but cause James to start laughing.  
“It’s not funny!”  
“It is.”  
“It doesn’t matter anyway, we can’t be anything more than friends and that’s fine. I like being his friend, he’s nice.”  
Sirius’ dismissiveness made it clear that no more would be said on the matter.  
“Well good then, because if things continue to go well between me and Lily, you two will be spending a lot of time together.”

James was right. Things between him and Lily were going really well, and over the following weeks they had become really rather close. They maintained their game however (as Sirius had suspected), which led to more than a few confused faces when people saw them properly together. With the amount of time James was now spending with Lily, there wasn’t really anything for Sirius to do other than spend his time with Remus. They had become pretty good friends, Remus often telling Sirius that he felt like more of a pet than a friend (specifically a dog), what with Sirius constantly wanting attention, but it was obvious that Remus didn’t mind. If anything, Remus liked having Sirius around. When November came around, Remus had bought Sirius a squeaky dog toy in the shape of an electric guitar for his birthday. When Sirius told Remus that his actual guitar was an acoustic one, Remus insisted on hearing Sirius play.

“You’ve been to my room, how have I never been to your room before?”  
They stood in the lift, going up to the fourth floor.  
“Well, that would be because my room is a tip and yours is so much more…”  
“More what?”  
“More… you.”  
Remus laughed at that.  
“More me? What’s that supposed to mean?”  
“Just… yanno… together.”  
Sirius had started making gestures with his hands, unable to properly explain what he meant.  
“Well surely if my room’s like me then you room’s like you.”  
“It is.”  
“So what’s the issue? I already know you.”  
“Yeah, but what if the second you walk in your powers of deduction set to work and you come to the conclusion that I'm too much of a mess for you to be friends with.”  
Despite the lightness of Sirius’ tone, it was obvious that he at least somewhat meant it.  
“Well I promise that whatever your room looks like I’ll still be your friend.”  
“What if I have a dead body in there?”  
“ _Do_ you have a dead body in there?”  
The lift doors opened with a _ping_ and they both stepped out into the corridor. Sirius didn’t reply, just started to rummage through the pockets of his denim jacket for his key.  
“So… which one’s yours?”  
In answer, Sirius started to walk. When he came to the fourth door on the left he got out his key and slid it into the lock.  
“No.”  
Remus sounded incredulous.  
“What?”  
Sirius had stopped turning the key and looked at Remus, who was still as stunning as ever. It turned out that no matter how long Sirius spent with him he could never quite get used to how beautiful Remus was, the only difference was that now Sirius expected it.  
“You’ve been to my room at least five times and not once have you realised!”  
“Realised what?”  
The more incredulous Remus sounded, the more confused Sirius got.  
“You’re the fucking musician that lives above me!”  
It made sense. Remus lived on the third floor, fourth room on the left, it was bound to be directly below Sirius’. Sirius literally face palmed. _How could I not have noticed that?!_ Remus had talked about his ‘fucking musician’ before. He had said how annoying he found it at first, music constantly being played in the room above him. He’d told Sirius how annoying it was when the musician played into the night, how he could tell it was being played rather than just listened to because they always repeated sections. Luckily it wasn’t _too_ loud, Remus always said that no matter how annoying it got he could always manage to sleep through it. Even so…  
“Sorry.”  
Sirius winced. He had never realised that anyone could ever hear him practicing at night, but now he thought about it, it was obvious.  
“Let’s see it then.”  
Remus said curtly.  
“What?”  
“Your room! That’s what we’re here for.”  
“I thought we were here so you could hear me play guitar?”  
“Well apparently I’ve already done that, now I just wanna see your room.”  
Sirius had learned by now that when he wanted to, Remus could get over things quickly. That was one of the many things Sirius liked so much about Remus, he never held a grudge. He was never angry for longer than necessary, and more often than not, it was only for a minute at most.

Sirius turned the key until the lock clicked and the door swung slowly open, revealing Sirius’ room. It was, as promised, quite messy. The bed was almost completely covered in clothes and music books, his guitar lying on top. His laptop, instead of being on his desk, was on his bedside table, which had been moved to be next to his desk. His desk however, held only one thing, a keyboard, which was at that point, plugged into his laptop. Every inch of the wardrobe (other than the mirror) was covered in band posters, pictures of him and his friends from highschool, one of Sirius’ brother, and one of him and James on their first day of uni. An electric bass guitar leant against the side of the desk, an amp slightly visible behind. A violin case was leaning against the side of the wardrobe too, half unzipped and clearly well-worn. Sirius made room on one of the music book covered shelves, and placed the dog toy in the newly created gap.  
“So, Sherlock, what have you deduced so far?”  
Remus was still standing by the now closed door, mouth slightly open, eyes wide in awe.  
“It’s so…”  
“It’s so what?”  
“So… you.”  
“As I said, a mess.”  
Sirius joked, but Remus’ face didn’t even twitch, he was still looking around, absolutely stunned by Sirius’ room.  
“How many instruments have you got?!”  
“Uhm… One, two…”  
Sirius had started counting on his fingers.  
“Six… I think. No, wait, seven.”  
“Seven?!”  
“Yes Remus, seven.”  
“What? Where?”  
Sirius chuckled at Remus’ (for once) baffled state.  
“Well first off we of course have my keyboard, that’s my main instrument. Then you can see my guitar and bass...”  
Sirius gestured to his bed then desk.  
“Then over there’s my violin, then there’s my harmonica...”  
He pointed to his wardrobe then one of his shelves, which, sure enough, held a harmonica.  
“That’s only five.”  
“That’s because I haven’t finished yet.”  
Sirius walked over to his wardrobe and opened it and retrieved an actual saxophone.  
“You’re kidding.”  
Remus bit his lip, obviously trying to hold back laughter.  
“Not kidding, I don’t play it very often but I can play it.”  
“I thought the harmonica was a surprise, but this…”  
“You haven’t even seen my last one yet.”  
Sirius put the saxophone back in the wardrobe, closing the door and moving over to his no-longer-bedside table.  
“Oh god, what is it?”  
Sirius opened the drawer and pulled out a fluorescent green plastic kazoo.  
“In all fairness, this is only for emergencies.”  
Remus couldn’t hold back his laughter any longer.  
“You have a _kazoo_ … for _emergencies_?!”  
Sirius started to giggle too, putting the kazoo back and closing the drawer.  
“Yep.”  
“And what emergencies require a kazoo?”  
“Oh, you know, James not letting me in when I knock on his door.”  
“You’re evil.”  
“I certainly am.”  
Despite the fact that both boys were laughing, Sirius still managed to look mischievous. Even though he’d only spent just over a month as Remus’ friend, Sirius already felt so close to him. It was amazing how right this felt for Sirius, laughing with Remus. It was different to being with James. James had always felt more like a brother to Sirius than a friend (despite having an actual brother of his own), and especially after being disowned by his parents, James had been his only real family. But Remus was his _friend_ , and that, to Sirius meant the world.

That was why when James burst into Sirius’ room, red faced and crying, heartbroken, saying that Lily had ended things with him, and Remus left swiftly without saying a word, Sirius’ heart broke too. He knew what this meant, Sirius had to be there for James, and Remus no longer fit into the picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry :(


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much Remus again... Sorry

**Chapter 6**

Sirius spent almost every free second of the next few weeks with James. Sirius had never seen him more distraught over a girl before. In fact, the only time he’d seen him worse at all was after his dad died nearly a year ago. Sirius only asked once why they had broken up. The only answer he had gotten was something about football and how he apparently ‘cared more about sport than about her’ before he had broken down into tears and Sirius decided not to ask again. They had stopped going into the rec room completely (for fear of seeing Lily), so Sirius had only seen Remus once since their time in Sirius’ room. Sirius had been walking into the accommodation building and Remus had been rushing out. They both smiled wide when they saw each other, but soon enough Remus was gone again, he was already late for class.

When the Christmas holidays came around Sirius had decided to go to see Remus to say goodbye. Although Sirius wasn’t going anywhere for Christmas (unlike most other students), he knew Remus would be. So after seeing James off he went to Remus’ room and knocked on the door. When he got no answer, he knocked again, but still nothing.  
“Are you looking for literature guy?”  
A short girl with long dreadlocks had just come out of the lift, and was now unlocking her door despite clearly talking to Sirius.  
“Literature guy?”  
Sirius was confused more at the nickname than the actual question, she had obviously been talking about Remus.  
“Yeah, the tall one with all the books.”  
She had opened her door and was now leaning against the doorframe.  
“Do you know where he is?”  
“I think he left last night. Probably going home for the holidays. He had a big rucksack and a bag of what looked like presents. He bumped into me - literally - as he was leaving.”  
“Oh… right… thanks.”  
Sirius sounded clearly disappointed, but the girl had already started to close the door by the time Sirius had finished.

Sirius wished he could’ve said goodbye. He’d spent so much time with James that he hadn’t seen Remus at all, and now he had to go another month with nothing. No contact at all. Remus had come to mean so much to him in such a short space of time, and now he didn’t even have James. For the past two years, Sirius had spent most of his Christmas holidays with the Potters, but this year that wasn’t exactly an option. James’ mum had gotten sick after James’ dad had died, and she wasn’t getting any better. She had gone to stay with her brother, who had been looking after her while James was away, so James was going there for Christmas, and Sirius obviously couldn’t come. After all, it didn’t really matter that he couldn’t go. This year he could just stay in his dorms. There was no need for him to go home, and even if he wanted to (which he didn’t) he couldn’t. So Sirius had a month alone in his dorm, with nothing much to do but work overtime, study, and practice.

A couple of days before Christmas, Sirius got a surprise visit from his younger brother. Regulus had told their parents that he was visiting a friend from school who lived across the country (both Sirius and Regulus had gone to a boarding school so had friends from all over), but got on a train to see Sirius instead. Sirius hadn’t seen Regulus since he’d gone to uni and his parents had decided that they never wanted to see him again. This hadn’t been a surprise to Sirius. He knew their beliefs and knew that once he came out to them it would be all over for him. In the end, the whole thing had been somewhat of a relief for Sirius, who had until that point only ever put up with his abusive parents because of his brother. He had always gotten along with his brother fairly well, despite his brother being clearly their parent’s favourite since they never gave Regulus any trouble. Sirius was always very outspoken about his own clashing beliefs, beliefs which Regulus also held but was too scared to mention, meaning that throughout his life, Sirius had been treated horrifically (hence the amount of time spent at the Potter’s, leading to Regulus feeling more like a close cousin than a brother to Sirius).

Regulus’ visit was good fun. He and Sirius had decided to go to a nearby cafe and both ordered hot chocolate. They were both usually the kind who ordered black coffee to look cool, but really, when the weather was cold and they didn’t have too keep up appearances they both tended towards sweeter drinks. When their drinks arrived, both were delighted by the absolute mountain of whipped cream that topped them, and both ended up burning their tongues by being over-eager when it came to tasting their drinks. Unfortunately, Regulus couldn’t stay for long. Sirius, of course, understood completely. Whatever happened, he never wanted for Regulus to have as bad an experience of their parents as he had.

Sirius had decided to use most of his free time working. He had nothing better to do, no-one else to see, so he might as well get paid rather than sit around doing nothing. Despite making himself busy almost constantly, if not with actual work then with school work, Sirius couldn’t help but think about Remus. No matter what Sirius was doing, Remus always seemed to creep to the front of his mind. There were even a couple of times where he had been so engulfed in thought of Remus that he had almost convinced himself that he’d actually seen him. Of course, he never had. Wishful thinking was a powerful thing, even when wishful thinking is all you have. It was almost unbelievable how much Sirius missed Remus' company. No matter how much he told himself he was _just lonely_ , he never fully believed it. If he had been lonely he would be missing James. Not that he wasn't missing James, it was just different with Remus. He missed the way Remus moved, how he brushed up against him when they walked too close, how his cheeks and nose turned rosy in the cold, how his eyes glittered when he smiled, and his eyelashes fluttered when he yawned. He didn't just miss him, he longed for him.

Christmas itself came and went with no change in Sirius’ routine. It was just another day as far as he was concerned. The only difference being when he decided to sit in the uni’s library and play Christmas carols on his saxophone, resulting in a few laughs from other students, but mostly judgy or annoyed looks which after a couple songs became enough for Sirius to leave. That was the first (and only) night Sirius had spent all term thinking about his parents. Just the memory of any amount of time spent with them, especially with his mother, were enough to keep him up all night. In the morning, or rather the early afternoon, Sirius woke up to find himself still in the same clothes as the day before. He had clearly gotten so caught up in his own depressive thoughts that he hadn’t changed. He was wearing his only pair of non ripped jeans, a pair of jeans which he hadn’t worn since his friend-date with Remus. It was almost laughable to him now, how hard he had tried to impress Remus, considering how little it would’ve mattered what he wore. He checked the clock on the wall. Two fifteen. _Jesus it’s late_. He decided there wasn’t much point in changing, he had work in a few hours, and would have to change into his uniform then anyway. After having a shower, spending some time composing, and quickly eating a pot noodle, he pulled on his formal navy blue trousers and white shirt, and left for work.

The restaurant had been particularly busy that day, so by the time Sirius got back he just changed out of his uniform, hanging it up as usual, and collapsed onto his bed, almost instantly falling asleep. For the next few days that was how it went. Sirius got up late, did some school work, then went to work. It was an easy routine to fall into. Booking his overtime shifts at the end of the week (his only contracted shifts were Monday and Saturday nights), and making sure that he stayed busy enough to never let himself get too lonely. On the last week of the holidays he came back to his dorm on the Monday night at about twelve (as usual), but this time there was something different waiting for him outside his door. 

Sirius stopped the second he got out the lift, almost unable to believe his own eyes. Sat, leaning against his door, was James. His black hair (which was usually messy anyway) looked like a bird’s nest, his face was pale despite his light brown skin, his hazel eyes were glassy and almost lifeless behind his glasses. He looked like a puppet with no strings, limp and motionless.  
“James?”  
Sirius’ voice was full of concern as James slowly looked over, not even meeting Sirius’ eyes. He didn’t reply.  
“What are you doing here? There’s still another week left of the holidays.”  
“I… I didn’t know what else to do.”  
James sounded scared, he looked away from Sirius and down at the floor. Sirius walked cautiously over to James, unsure what was the right thing to do.  
“Do you want to come in?”  
James nodded slowly and got up to let Sirius open the door. When they went in, Sirius sat James down on the bed, he looked so lost, Sirius couldn’t bare it. He crouched in front of James and took both of his hands in his own.  
“What happened?”  
James looked Sirius in the eye. His eyes looked so empty, and yet so full. Full of pain and fear and loneliness. Full of loss.  
“My mum… She’s…”  
James broke down in tears, and Sirius wrapped his arms around him tightly, letting James cry into his shoulder.  
“She’s gone, Sirius.”  
James’ words came out a choked sob, Sirius began to rub comforting circles onto his back.  
“I’m so sorry James.”  
And Sirius truly meant it. James’ mum had been a lovely woman, always treated Sirius like a son. And now she was dead, and James was left parentless. Sirius knew that James’ uncle must be the one sorting things out. James, surprisingly, had never known his uncle very well, and Sirius knew from what James had told him that right now he probably wouldn’t have been much of a comfort for James. What James needed was a brother, and that’s what Sirius was going to be. 

Sirius spent the night on the floor of his room, insisting that James take the bed. Of course, James could’ve gone to his own room, it was only next door, but Sirius knew that James didn’t want to be alone right now. In the morning, Sirius called work and asked to cancel his overtime. After explaining his situation, his manager had obliged, she was very understanding of the whole thing, and so Sirius spent almost every second from then on with James. Sirius made sure that James was always comfortable. He let him sleep in his room instead of James' own, and made sure he ate at least two meals a day. Sirius made an effort to cook healthy food, he encouraged James to stay active. They went on walks, saw films at the cinema, played board games. Anything to keep James afloat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor James :(


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is quite a short one, but I felt like it needed its own chapter.

**Chapter 7**

When term started again, James had insisted on going back to classes immediately. Sirius kept telling him that if he explained to the teachers his situation that they’d understand, they’d let him stay off for longer, but James had said that he didn’t want people feeling sorry for him. That was something that always amazed Sirius about James, no matter what happened, James would never let anyone see how he felt if he didn’t want them to. James may have been an absolute drama queen when it came to petty disputes or slight annoyances, but when things got real, James always kept it to himself, making sure that no one (except Sirius) knew what was really going on. James was the bravest person Sirius had ever met, and for that he respected James more than anyone else he knew.

Sirius continued to spend every free second he had with James. Thankfully, with the place full again, leaving James by himself felt safer somehow. Not that Sirius thought James would do anything, just that he knew that ambient chatter always helped James feel less alone. Even so, Sirius felt it necessary to spend as much time as possible with him, just to make sure that he was as okay as he pretended to be, which he often wasn’t. Most times Sirius would come into James’ room (James had gone back to sleeping in his own room) to find him curled up in a ball on his bed, crying. To a certain extent, Sirius knew this was good, crying was good, it showed that James could still feel it, and feelings always faded eventually; seeing him crying was always what made Sirius know that James would be okay. Despite that, every time he found him like this, he always stayed with him until he calmed down. Even if he knew he would be okay, he wasn’t yet, and until he was he would make sure to always be there if James needed him.

About a week after term had started up again, and Sirius had once again found James crying in his room, there was a knock on James’ door. Both of them looked confused at the sound, James clearly hadn’t been expecting anyone, and was in no fit state to answer the door, he had, after all, just stopped crying. When the knock came again, Sirius took it upon himself to open the door. He only opened the door a couple of inches, just enough for him to poke his head out but not for the person at the door to see in, but when he saw who it was he quickly stepped out, swiftly closing the door again behind him, one again to ensure an inability to see in. Never in his life had Sirius been more glad to see anyone than he had been to see Remus then. A wide grin swept across Sirius’ face. Just the sight of Remus filled Sirius with warmth and light, not having seen him in over a month, and basically not talking to him in two, had clearly had a bigger effect on Sirius than he had thought. He knew he missed Remus, but now it seemed that every ounce of Sirius was craving him. He wanted to spend time with him, to be with him, even if it was just in the way they had before. _We were close friends, are we still close now?_ Sirius hoped so. He really did. And perhaps he hoped a little too much.  
“Remus!”  
Sirius beamed up at him, but Remus’ returned smile was only small.  
“Sirius, hey, good to see you.”  
“Good to see you too! It feels like it’s been ages!”  
“Yeah… It does, doesn’t it?”  
Remus looked kind of sad at that, and Sirius couldn’t understand why. _I’m here now, aren’t I?_ He wanted to reply, but that felt like too much, after all, they hadn’t been friends for all that long, maybe they hadn’t been as close as Sirius thought. Something about that thought caused a knot to form in Sirius’ stomach.

When Sirius didn’t reply at all, Remus spoke up again.  
“So… can I come in?”  
“Why?”  
“I came to see James, can I see him?”  
Whether intentionally or not, Remus’ tone was slightly impatient, causing the smile to disappear from Sirius’ face completely. It felt like the newly formed knot in his stomach was being tugged at, making it tighter and tighter. Even though he knew he shouldn’t, Sirius felt attacked. It was as if his worst suspicions had come true and were now towering seven inches above him wearing Remus’ face.  
“No. You can’t.”  
Sirius’ voice was blunt, nothing but harsh and cold. Remus looked taken aback, he had never seen Sirius like this before.  
“I… I’m sorry. I just… Lily wanted me to talk to James so I-”  
Remus sounded tentative, almost scared, but that didn’t stop Sirius.  
“Well he doesn’t want to hear anything from Lily right now! He’s been through enough!”  
Sirius had started to shout now. He was done with this shit. Completely done. _Remus doesn’t care about me, and I’m not about to let him hurt James too._  
“I-”  
“No! You don’t get to say anything, just go!”  
Remus dared not disobey Sirius, who was at that moment scarier than anyone he’d ever seen before. Remus didn’t even wait for the lift, he just took the stairs, wanting to leave the situation as soon as possible, not wanting to anger Sirius any further.

The second Remus was out of eyeshot, Sirius went back into James’ room, slamming the door behind him. Sirius almost instantly fell to the floor. His face, previously red with anger, was now covered in tears. All the tense anger in his body had gone, and he lay in a limp heap, sobbing onto James’ floor.  
“Sirius, hey, what’s wrong?”  
Everyone on the whole corridor had heard the shouting, but due to James’ door being slightly ajar, and Sirius being stood outside of it the whole time, James had heard every word both of them had said. Even so, James knew that there was more to it than what Sirius had said. Sirius wasn’t usually so quick to anger, and he definitely usually didn’t burst into tears after a shouting match. There had to be something else.  
“I’ve lost him James! He… he doesn’t care, I… I mean nothing to him.”  
Sirius spoke through sobs and hiccups, and suddenly James understood. Remus wasn’t just another friend to Sirius, he was more than that. Remus had meant so much to Sirius, they had been such close friends (somehow), and the fact that they had clicked so well must have meant the world to Sirius. But now he was gone. Or at least, Sirius thought so. And Sirius had now possibly just ensured it with his one-sided argument, an argument which was uncalled for, an argument built on insecurities and doubts.

James walked over and put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder, wiping the tears off his face with the other.  
“It’ll be okay.”  
Sirius sniffed and leant into James.  
“How do you know that?”  
“Because Remus is a good person, if you apologise he’ll get it.”  
“But what if he doesn’t?”  
Sirius’ eyes were wide and pleading, looking more than ever like a sad dog. James ruffled Sirius’ hair, an action which he usually saved for his own hair, but he used now as a brotherly gesture.  
“Then you still have me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise things get better for them all soon, they just need some hardships to realise how much they mean to each other.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Over the next few days, Sirius made it his mission to apologise to Remus. He had decided to go to Remus’ room, so that at least if another scene was caused, or even if Remus just wanted to be left alone, neither would have to completely embarrass themselves in public. The only issue so far had been that every time he’d knocked on Remus’ door he hadn’t been in, or at least hadn’t answered. Sirius had nearly considered giving up after the third day, until he saw Remus get out the lift, clearly on the way back to his room. Sirius didn’t know what to say. Remus had just found Sirius at his door, with the last time they’d seen each other Sirius had been screaming at him. There was no one else in the corridor, causing a deafening silence between them. Both just looked stunned to see each other. Eventually Remus adjusted the bag on his shoulder, hiking it up a little, and spoke.  
“What are you doing here, Sirius?”  
Remus’ voice was harsh, but not cruel, there was no ill-intention in his words, just pain.  
“I… I wanted to say sorry.”  
“Great, you’ve said it now, can I get to my room?”  
Sirius was taken aback, it wasn’t like Remus to be like this, to be dismissive or impatient. Something was up and Sirius knew it, even so Sirius had decided that whatever happened, he _would_ apologise. Remus could be as unresponsive as he liked, but until Sirius had said his piece he wasn’t leaving.  
“Will you let me come in too?”  
“Why would I do that?”  
“Because it’s either that or I apologise to you right here, right now.”  
Sirius was stubborn, Remus knew that. He knew that Sirius wasn’t bluffing, he had no choice but to listen.  
“Fine then, you can come in, but once you’re done you’re leaving.”  
“That’s fine by me.”

Sirius stood aside to let Remus unlock the door before they both walked in. The room was almost exactly as Sirius had remembered it. Books scattered in neat piles on every square inch of desk or shelf. His laptop lay on his unmade but not altogether untidy bed. The only change was the string of fairy lights had hung all the way around the room. They weren't switched on, but Sirius didn’t care. He wasn’t here to look at Remus’ room, he was here to apologise.

As Remus sat on his bed, he gestured to the desk chair, indicating for Sirius to sit on it. Sirius however, declined the offer and remained standing in front of Remus.  
“First off, I’d like to say that my actions the other day were uncalled for and unacceptable.”  
“Good start.”  
Remus’ snarky tone made Sirius roll his eyes. Remus was not going to make this easy.  
“I only lashed out because I felt… Well, I felt things that were stupid, and completely unprompted.”  
Sirius was starting to sound a little nervous.  
“And what was it exactly that you felt?”  
“It doesn’t matter… As I said, it was stupid.”  
“I think it does matter. If you want any chance of forgiveness you can’t just not tell me.”  
For a second, Sirius thought he heard Remus’ old playful attitude seeping through, but his tone was still sharp, and his words cold.  
“Honestly… I felt a bit attacked.”  
“ _You_ felt attacked?! I was the one getting shouted at! What did you even have to feel attacked about?!”  
Remus was absolutely incredulous, unsurprisingly. Sirius however just stood there looking timidly at the floor.  
“We had been such good friends… or at least I thought we had. I lost you, and it hurt. I know you never felt that we were as close as I thought, but learning that just… well it felt like I was being attacked. But it was an attack by myself, not by you; it wasn’t your fault. I lashed out and it was wrong, but I just want to be friends again. For what it’s worth, I really liked being your friend.”  
By the end, every spec of spite had gone from Remus’ face. Sirius had looked back up at Remus, still full of nerves and fear, but his eyes were wide. Full of pleading hope.  
“I- I thought I’d lost you too.”  
“...What?”  
Whatever Sirius had expected in response, it hadn’t been this. Remus was genuine, he too was hurt.  
“I thought we were close too, but then we spent over a month basically not talking and I just assumed… I assumed that you just didn’t care anymore, maybe even that you never had. Then you started shouting and…”  
“And I couldn’t be more sorry Remus.”  
Both boys were near tears now. Coming to the realisation that both had been driven away by exactly the same misconception, both getting hurt for no reason.

In the end, neither actually cried. Remus forgave Sirius, and Sirius had never been happier to get a friend back.  
“What happened to James?”  
Remus asked. They had just ended up sitting and chatting, almost like nothing had ever happened.  
“What do you mean?”  
“The other day when… the other day, you said he’d already been through enough.”  
The raising of that topic was awkward, but Remus still wanted to know, he was worried.  
“Oh… I’m not sure if I can say, he hasn’t told anyone.”  
Sirius’ discomfort with the subject was obvious. It was also obvious that whatever it was was a sensitive issue, and one upon which Remus didn’t linger.  
“That’s okay, I was just curious.”  
Suddenly a question came to Sirius, something that he hadn’t considered in the past couple of days, but one that now that he thought about, he really wanted to know the answer to.  
“Oh yeah, what were _you_ going to say?”  
“When? Before you rudely cut me off?”  
Remus was joking, and Sirius was thankful that he had decided to lighten the mood again.  
“Yes, yes. I was a wanker. But you were going to say something about Lily. What was it?”  
“Oh, basically she regrets breaking up with James, but she isn’t the kind to beg to get someone back, so she sent me to just ‘chat’ to him about how maybe he still has a chance with her.”  
Sirius did a long, low, whistle.  
“Wow, she must be really desperate to do that.”  
“She’s not desperate, she just really liked James. It was a ‘didn’t know you love it ‘till you let it go’ kind of scenario. She was in pieces over it. Still basically is.”  
“I think James is too, kind of. I know he still has feelings for her, but I don’t know if he can cope with being in a relationship with someone who will just keep breaking up with him right now.”  
“Yeah, I get that, but trust me, she’s in for the long haul this time. She told me - and don’t tell James this - that she thinks she loves him.”  
Sirius raised his eyebrows.  
“That’s big.”  
Remus nodded in agreement.  
“I know.”  
They sat in comfortable silence for a second before Sirius spoke again.  
“I think we should talk to James.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends again :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

After a long talk with James, Sirius was sure Remus had convinced him to ask Lily out again. This was mostly due to the fact that James had come bursting into Sirius’ room the second Remus left, and wouldn’t stop talking about how he had ‘another chance with Lily’. And even though Sirius knew she wanted him back, he still made sure that James didn’t have his hopes too high. It felt wrong somehow to encourage James, even though he had been the one who suggested that Remus talk to him in the end. Sirius didn’t even know if getting back with Lily was what was best for him, but then again at least by letting Remus talk to him James could decide for himself. After all, Sirius didn’t dislike Lily. He understood how invested James was in football, and having been friends with him for almost eight years meant that Sirius knew how James could be about the sport. Before asking Lily out again, James had even said to Sirius that he wouldn’t talk about it as much around Lily anymore, he wanted to make sure it worked out this time around.

The next time Sirius saw James was after class the next day. Sirius had walked into the rec room to find James sat at a table opposite Lily, grinning so wide that he knew instantly what had happened. He decided that was probably not the best time to go into the rec room (he didn’t want to have to third wheel that situation), so went to his room instead. Or, at least, that had been his intention. When the lift doors opened for him to get in, there was only one person leaving. Remus. They both smiled.  
“Where you off to?”  
“The rec room, you?”  
“My room, but just warning you, if you were going there to find Lily I can save you the trip, she’s currently talking to James.”  
“Well good. Do you know what their current status is?”  
“I’m pretty sure they’re back together, judging by the look on James’ face.”  
Sirius walked into the lift and pressed the number four, but to his surprise, Remus didn’t get out, instead he just pressed the number three.  
“You going back to your room then?”  
Sirius had expected that Remus would get out anyway, probably off to the library as he so often did.  
“Yeah, got nothing better to do.”  
Sirius chuckled slightly.  
“Honestly, same here.”  
When the doors opened on Remus’ floor he stepped out into the doorway, making sure the doors didn’t close.  
“We could hang out… If you want.”  
Sirius looked up to meet his brown eyes. His body had filled with a familiar warmth, and he nodded.  
“Sure.”  
And as they walked to Remus’ room Sirius felt so happy, so at home. Everything was back to normal, back to how it should be. Lily and James were back together, and most importantly, he and Remus were friends again. Real friends.

A few days later, Sirius and Remus were sitting cross legged on a sofa in the rec room when a bulky blonde guy walked up to them. They had both been facing the wall, and Remus was plaiting Sirius’ hair. Remus had asked Sirius if it was long enough to plait and Sirius had (cheekily) told him that if he wanted to know he’d have to try to plait it himself. The blonde man coughed, and Remus turned his head to look over, dropping the half finished plait.   
“Hey, bro, you’re in my class aren’t you?”  
The man had a relatively deep voice with a slight lilt that gave it a weirdly approachable sound. Sirius turned to look too. If he had to have guessed, this guy was a surfer. He had long, wavy, blonde hair, tanned skin, and blue eyes. A necklace of puka shells was draped around his thick neck, and was paired with an overly undone offwhite linen shirt, baggy bluejeans, and chunky sandals which were exceedingly inappropriate for the weather. There was one strange thing about him however that didn’t quite fit. In his left hand, he was holding a book that Sirius recognised as Jane Austen’s Emma. Although, considering he was in Remus’ class that did make sense.  
“Professor Thompson’s English lit?”  
The guy grinned .  
“Yeah! I thought I knew you! You’re… Rhys, right?”  
“Remus.”  
Remus smiled politely, clearly feeling the same awkwardness as Sirius felt.  
“Oh, sorry, I’m shit with names. I’m Cameron, but everyone calls me Cam.”  
“Nice to meet you.”  
They all were quiet for a second, only Cameron seeming not to feel the discomfort.  
“So, me and my roommates are having a party tomorrow night and I was gonna try to invite everyone from class. We’re number twenty Greencourt Road, if you wanna come you can turn up any time past ten.”  
“Oh… I’m not sure…”  
“No worries if you can’t make it, I get it, but if you’re worried about not knowing people you’re welcome to bring your boyfriend.”  
“He’s not…”  
Remus began to say, but Cameron had already left.

Remus looked awkwardly at Sirius, but Sirius had just started to laugh.  
“What’s so funny?”  
This just made Sirius laugh more, almost crying he was laughing so much.  
“What?!”  
Sirius continued to laugh, but Remus still didn’t get it.  
“Was it that he assumed we were dating, because I can’t really blame him. Your back is a pride flag and I was plaiting your hair.”  
Sirius calmed down just enough to be able to speak.  
“No… It’s not that…”  
“Then what is it?”  
“He invited _you_ to a _party_.”  
Then Sirius started to laugh again, even louder than before. Remus looked offended.  
“I go to parties!”  
“No Remus, you don't. You sit in your room reading Hamlet and reciting poetry.”  
“There’s nothing wrong with Hamlet! And just because I learn them it doesn’t mean I recite them!”  
Sirius stopped laughing, turned around, and looked Remus dead in the eye.  
“Remus, face it, you don’t go to parties.”  
Remus folded his arms defiantly and looked smug.  
“Well I do now. And you’re coming with me… _babe_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **_babe_ **


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's party time!

**Chapter 10**

Despite Remus’ defiant attitude the day before, he was now just nervous. He was, however, still determined to go. Sirius had agreed to be Remus’ ‘boyfriend’ to both give him an excuse to be able to keep Remus company, but also as a way to give Remus an out from doing things he didn’t want to. This was something of a difficulty for Sirius. He liked being Remus’ friend, but really, deep down (well, not all _that_ deep down), Sirius knew he wanted to be more than that. He had been able to pretend to himself that all he wanted was friendship, and really, it _was_ enough, but now he had to add another level to the facade. _How am I supposed to pretend to be something that I want to be without revealing that I want it?_ That question had kept Sirius up late into the night. Eventually he came to the conclusion that actually the only way he’d have to act differently was if anyone asked if they were together. He didn’t have to do anything with Remus, just imply to others that they did. He had also decided that he wouldn’t drink. First and foremost because he was there to look after Remus, and he didn’t want that to end up with Remus cleaning up his sick; but also because he didn’t want to do anything to _take advantage_ of the situation.

They both met in the lounge at ten (not wanting to turn up early, and knowing that it would take about fifteen minutes to walk there). They had already discussed what to wear, but even so, seeing Remus in tight baby blue jeans and a peach shirt was nearly enough to push Sirius over the edge.   
“Do I look alright? I feel kind of naff.”  
Remus shifted uncomfortably, his coat slung over one arm.  
“Remus, you look… great.”  
Sirius had to stop himself from saying ‘gorgeous’, he was slightly worried that the flush he could feel in his cheeks had given it away anyway.  
“You don’t look too bad yourself.”  
Remus said as he shrugged on his coat. Sirius blushed a little more. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt, his black leather jacket (he had debated whether or not to remove the pride pins, but decided to keep them), black ripped jeans, and his black docs with rainbow laces.  
“I’m glad you think so. I am, after all, your date for tonight.”  
Sirius winked and Remus chuckled, rolling his eyes and started to walk out.

It was cold out, the late January air biting at any exposed skin. Which, for Remus in his long collared coat, was fine. Sirius however couldn’t stop shivering. For the first five minutes of the walk, he had managed to pretend not to be cold. The second they’d stepped outside and felt the chill, Remus had told Sirius to go back to get a coat, an action which Sirius decided against. A minute later, Remus had again asked if Sirius was cold, to which a now very cold Sirius replied that he wasn’t. Remus was convinced Sirius was lying.   
“There’s no way you’re not cold! You’re dressed for early autumn!”  
But Sirius was stubborn. No matter how red his nose was or how little he could feel his fingers, he was not going to let Remus win. It was stupid really, and Sirius knew it. Whatever happened he would lose. One way he would be successful but cold, and the other he would be unsuccessful but warm. By five minutes into the walk, Sirius had started to visibly shiver. He had had to clench his jaw to stop his teeth from chattering, but even then it was so obvious a blind man could see it.  
“I _know_ you’re cold.”  
“You don’t know anything!”  
“Sirius, I don’t need to be Sherlock bloody Holmes to see that you’re freezing.”  
“I’m fine! Really!”  
But it was clear that he wasn’t. 

By ten minutes, Sirius was shaking so much that he could barely even speak. His breathing has become jagged and Remus was getting genuinely concerned.  
“Sirius, wear my coat.”  
Sirius looked up at Remus in astonished horror (or as much of that as was possible in his near frozen state).  
“Come _on_ Sirius. You’re literally turning blue!”  
“I’m... _fine_.”  
The words sounded pained through his gritted teeth, chattering louder than his speech.  
“No. You’re not.”  
Remus said sternly, taking off his coat.  
“There is no way that I’m just going to walk here all cozy in my coat and let you freeze to death.”  
Sirius pouted, but when Remus stopped walking, so did Sirius. Remus couldn’t put the coat on Sirius properly due to his arms tightly gripping one another, trying desperately to grasp onto any body heat left. Remus stood in front of Sirius, towering over him even more than usual due to Sirius being hunched over with cold. He brought his coat around, draping it over Sirius’ shoulders and pulling it tightly around him, letting Sirius grab hold of the lapels to keep it tight. The coat was far too big on Sirius. Since it usually fell to just below Remus’ knees, it was almost at Sirius’ ankles. The coat completely engulfed Sirius, and despite Sirius’ looks of protest, inside he couldn’t have felt more cozy. The second the coat had been placed on Sirius, he could instantly feel the warmth still in it from when Remus was wearing it. It felt like an electric blanket, a full body radiator made of wool. It was heavy, and smelled so intensely of Remus that if he closed his eyes (which he briefly did), it was almost like a hug. Once the coat was on Sirius’ shoulders high enough not to fall, Sirius had expected Remus to step away, to keep on walking, but he didn’t. Instead he reached out (not very far, they were already standing so close) and took both of Sirius’ hands in his own. He put them together between them, cupping his hands around Sirius’ before beginning to rub them warm. Remus was now hunched over too from the cold, and Sirius was standing further upright, making their faces so close that their misty breath intermingled over their connected hands. This moment was almost surreal for Sirius. He and Remus were on their way to a party, _together_. He was wearing Remus’ coat which smelled so intensely woody and boyish that he could’ve blacked out from it, and they were holding hands (sort of), alone under a streetlight on a dark road. Remus stopped and squeezed Sirius’ hands before letting them go and smiling down at him with a smile so warm that Sirius was sure it could make even Antarctica seem like a tropical beach.  
“Won’t you be cold now?”  
“I’ll be fine, it’s not far now, plus I’m exceptionally warm blooded.”  
They both started to walk again, Sirius burying his grin in the collar of Remus’ coat.

When they got there, they could already hear the music before anyone even opened the door. The house was quite large but sparsely furnished, obviously shared with the amount of different styles used to furnish. It was, however, mostly IKEA furniture, with the occasional ‘I found this in the alley’ side table. There wasn’t any fancy lighting, it was just dimly lit with odd lamps and (as was the case in one of the rooms) a string of lanterns. The music wasn’t deafening, but it was pretty loud, loud enough not to be able to hear a whisper, but not so loud anyone had to shout. There were plenty of people there, but it wasn’t cramped. Or at least it wasn’t cramped anywhere but the kitchen, which due to the general abundance of alcohol there, was almost completely full. 

The second Sirius and Remus had walked in, they were approached by surfer dude Cameron, grinning widely.  
“Guys! Glad you could make it! Drinks are in the kitchen, coats are upstairs, first door on the left, bathroom’s first door on the right, and if you need anything just let me know.”  
But before either could even get out a ‘thank you’ he had gone off to a different room.  
“Well, I suppose we should go and put my coat upstairs.”  
“ _Your_ coat? I think you’ll find it’s mine now.”  
A mischievous look was plastered on Sirius’ face.  
“Oh is it?”  
Remus said as he began to walk up the stairs, Sirius following closely behind.  
“Yep. You let me wear it and now I’ve realised it’s far too comfortable for me to return it.”  
“Unfortunately, it doesn’t _quite_ fit you.”  
“It fits well enough.”  
Remus chuckled a little at that.  
“Sirius, you look like a child who just tried on his dad’s favourite coat.”  
Sirius huffed and took it off, no longer requiring it in the warmth of the house.

Once they had deposited the coat upstairs, they went down to the front room. There were people standing around chatting, draped over chairs, some even dancing a little, but almost everyone was holding a drink. After about two minutes of standing in a corner, one of the guys who lived there handed Remus and Sirius a lager each. Neither refused it, generally out of sheer awkwardness, but only Remus removed the cap and started to drink it.  
“Do you not drink?”  
Remus sounded more curious than surprised.  
“No, I do, I just don’t feel like it tonight.”  
“Fair enough.”  
That was another thing Sirius liked about Remus, he was always just so accepting, never asking too many questions or pressing until you told him, he always just understood.

After an hour or so, they had sat themselves down on a small sofa. Sirius was sitting like a normal person, leaning back, legs stretched out and crossed at the ankle. Remus however, was not. He was sitting with his back leaning against Sirius’ shoulder, foot on the floor, the other draped over the arm of the sofa. This might have astounded Sirius, Remus being this casual and close, but it seemed that at this point, Remus had gotten a bit tipsy. Luckily, he wasn’t drunk, he was still in relative control, he had just relaxed a bit - a lot - more than usual. He hadn’t even drank very much. Sirius assumed this must be because of a lack of drinking experience, causing him to be much more of a lightweight than his size would indicate. Fortunately for Sirius, so far he hadn’t had to tell anyone that he and Remus were dating. When people came over to talk, they either didn’t really care or just assumed that they were, considering that Remus was now subconsciously playing with Sirius’ hair, twirling stray locks around his long fingers. For the past fifteen minutes, Remus hadn’t stopped talking about A Midsummer Night’s Dream. None of it was particularly interesting to Sirius, he knew the vague story, but when Remus started to quote it he had lost concentration completely, just making general sounds of agreement every now and again.  
“Are you sure that we are awake? It seems to me that we sleep, we dream.”  
“Yep… definitely.”  
Remus being this close, optionally this close, felt almost like a cruel joke to Sirius. The knowledge that in that moment he could just reach out and hold Remus’ hand, and no one, not even Remus himself would think twice was so tantalising that he almost did it. But every time he managed to catch himself, managed to remind himself that this was still Remus. Remus, who wasn’t drunk enough to not remember tomorrow. Remus, who even if he had been blackout drunk, Sirius would never take advantage of in any way at all. 

There were a couple of times the conversation had shifted from Shakespear. Since a lot of the people there were from Remus’ class there, they were all happy to talk about the difference between Romeo and Juliette’s family experiences; but every now and then someone would come along and just start _chatting_. On a couple of occasions, chatting Remus or Sirius up. A couple of girls had come over to giggle at how _handsome_ Remus was, and an outrageously drunk man had asked Sirius for his number before sprinting off and vomiting in a bin. There was one girl however, who didn’t seem to want to leave Remus alone. She was apparently a girl who went to class with Lily, and had seen Remus with her a few times. Upon discovering that Remus wasn’t with Lily, she had become rather attached. Every time she had seen Remus in the past couple months she’d start some boring smalltalk that was always more forward than necessary. This had always made Remus excessively uncomfortable, leading to him becoming perpetually shy and polite to her. Tonight however, every time she began to approach, Remus would groan and pout at Sirius, before ignoring her for whatever amount of time she had decided to talk to him for. She was probably about as drunk as Remus, so didn’t even notice that he wasn’t paying attention. A couple of times, Sirius was scared he was going to have to start playing the ‘boyfriend’ role, but luckily nothing bad enough to elicit that had happened.

“I like your hair, it’s so _shiny_.”  
“Thanks.”  
The first time Remus had complimented Sirius that night, it had taken him by surprise, made him blush. But by the thirtieth time it had gotten a little repetitive. Remus was wearing a dazed smile, and had found a new way to sit that Sirius was sure no one had ever done before. Remus wasn’t leaning on Sirius. In fact he was sat with his back on the seat and one leg over the back, the other folded as if cross legged. He had been staring at Sirius for the past half an hour, and spitting out compliments every so often in a dreamy voice.  
“You know, you’re _really_ cute.”  
“Okay, nice to know.”  
The main reason Sirius was ignoring this however, was that he knew that Remus didn’t mean any of it. Or, maybe he did, but he didn’t mean it in any way that was more than just an observation. Sirius could probably compliment everyone in that room and there would be nothing more to it than just a fact.

At about midnight, a random girl walked up to Sirius. That wasn’t a particularly odd occurrence, people would talk to Sirius fairly often, because despite his leather jacket and eyeliner, he always looked somewhat approachable. No, the strange thing here was that the girl, like Sirius, seemed to be completely sober.  
“Hey, sorry to bother you, but is he your boyfriend?”  
The girl indicated to Remus who was stretched out almost on top of Sirius’ lap, possibly asleep. This question had taken Sirius off guard, no one had actually asked that all night. He almost said no, when he remembered their act for the night.  
“...Yep.”  
Even saying it made Sirius feel uncomfortable, it felt like a violation somehow, like he was putting himself somewhere he shouldn’t be, no matter how much he wanted it to be true.  
“Oh, well, I just wanna warn you, I think my friend Shanna is gonna try to get with him.”  
Remus sat up abruptly, clearly he wasn’t asleep and was now regretting it when he did, the look on his face displaying clearly how dizzy he was. When his head cleared enough he spoke.  
“Why can’t you just tell her I’m not single?”  
“Trust me, I tried… She’s _very_ drunk.”  
“But I don’t like _her_!”  
Remus sounded stroppy. Sirius was acutely aware of how drunk Remus was getting, and was rather worried that if he drank any more even if he didn’t want to get with her, he would.  
“Hey, Remus, it’s getting late, how about we go, we can avoid the whole Shanna situation then.”  
Sirius suggested as kindly as he could, verging on patronising, but Remus seemed not to notice the tone.  
“Yeah… okay. I’ll get my coat.”  
Remus got up and staggered a little, Sirius suddenly getting up and grabbing his arm to steady him.  
“Hey, thanks for the heads up.”  
Sirius told the girl, who smiled apologetically before going back to her friends.

When they got to the coat room Sirius had helped Remus into his coat. It wasn’t that Remus was too drunk to do so himself, it was more that the first time he’d tried he hadn’t realised it was inside out. Sirius had decided that even though it wasn’t that far of a walk, with Remus like he was it was probably best to get a taxi. Luckily Sirius had brought his wallet (just in case) and upon asking, Cameron had been happy to call one for them. So they stood in the front room by the window, watching and waiting for the taxi to arrive. Remus was leaning with his back against the wall next to the window that Sirius was looking out of. They had been standing there for ten minutes when Remus tugged on Sirius’ sleeve.  
“What?”  
“It’s _her_. She’s walking over to me.”  
Remus sounded irritated more than anything, but also slightly scared. When Sirius looked, sure enough, there was Shanna, making her way from the other side of the room towards them.  
“Shit… shit, Sirius what do I do?!”  
Remus was panicking, he kept looking from Shanna to Sirius, his brow furrowed, still pulling on Sirius’ sleeve.  
“I don’t know, I’m just your fake boyfriend.”  
Sirius’ comment had meant to just be a throwaway remark. But Remus’ face lit up with an idea.  
“Perfect!”  
Sirius was about to ask ‘what’ but before he knew what was happening, Remus had grabbed his face and planted his lips on Sirius’. Sirius was in so much shock that it had ended before he’d even had the chance to process what had happened.  
“Thank god, she’s gone.”  
Remus’ words brought Sirius back to the moment. _Remus just kissed me. Fuck_. He wasn’t sure what to say. He wasn’t sure he could even speak. _REMUS JUST KISSED ME_. It was too much. He looked out the window, seeing that the taxi had arrived. He grabbed Remus’ arm and pulled him out of the house and into the taxi. 

The second they sat down, Remus had fallen asleep on Sirius’ shoulder. _Remus kissed me._ The journey was short, and when the taxi stopped, Sirius paid the driver, shook Remus awake, and helped him out. Once Sirius had gotten Remus safely back to his dorm, Sirius finally had time to think, time to sort through the facts. _Remus was drunk. He was avoiding Shanna. That’s all. We had agreed to pretend to be boyfriends and he was doing exactly that. Pretending. All I can do now is hope that he doesn’t remember it all tomorrow._ But Sirius knew he was kidding himself. Remus hadn’t even drunk that much. Sure, he couldn’t walk in a straight line, and had spent an hour quoting Shakespeare, but there was a possibility that he _would_ remember. But Sirius wouldn’t let himself think that. Because if Remus _hadn’t_ been _that_ drunk then he had meant it. Not necessarily the kiss, but the compliments, the lying on Sirius, the playing with his hair. If Remus hadn’t been _that_ drunk then all he was was more relaxed, and if that’s all he was, then it meant that when he wasn’t drunk that was what he wanted to do anyway. And if that was the case then _maybe_ , just maybe, there was a chance that Remus felt the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was quite a long one, but i felt like i needed to make it all one chapter.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

“...And then he just kissed me. I shit you not, James!”  
When Sirius had woken up that Saturday morning, late as usual, the first thing he had done was go straight to James. He told him everything, how they went to the party as ‘boyfriends’, and how Remus had been talking about books, and about Shanna and flirting and everything else.  
“Wasn’t he like… drunk though?”  
James had listened attentively, with a look of concern on his face growing with every second Sirius spoke. The panic and nerves in Sirius’ voice would have made it obvious to anyone why all this had been such a big deal for him. Of course, it wasn’t exactly a _surprise_ to James that Sirius had a thing for Remus, it was just something that James tried not to encourage. He tried not to talk to Sirius about Remus, it was always a slippery slope that ended in half assed attempts of denial from Sirius, and pitying looks from James.  
“Well yeah, but-”  
“Sirius. He was avoiding an awkward situation in probably the only way his drunk brain could think of.”  
“Yes, I know, but-”  
“Did he say anything about it afterwards?”  
“No… But he did fall asleep on my shoulder in the taxi on the way back!”  
When Sirius’ voice began to sound hopeful, the usual pitying look crept onto James’ face.  
“He was drunk, Sirius.”  
“I know that! I just-”  
“No. Stop this. I know you like him but this doesn’t mean he likes you too.”  
Sirius looked ashamed suddenly, almost as if he was about to cry.  
“No! I mean, he doesn't like you like _that_! He obviously likes you as a friend. He did, after all, bring you to a party as his fake boyfriend. I just can’t help but remind you that Lily didn’t set him up with you for a reason.”  
“Yeah… I know… You’re right.”  
Sirius didn’t look like he wanted to cry anymore. He didn’t even look ashamed, just disappointed. Disappointed in himself. He had tried so hard not to let this happen, not to let him get caught up in stupid fantasies that would never happen, but here he was. _Remus probably doesn’t even remember last night._ He had to keep telling himself that. He had to keep thinking that was true, because if he didn’t he wasn’t sure he would even be able to face seeing Remus.

Funnily enough, the decision to see Remus again was made for him when he and James walked into the rec room. James instantly went over to Lily, who was sitting, studying at a table with Remus himself. His head was lying on the desk, resting on top of his arms. His hair was messier than usual, and when James got there and he got up to leave, Sirius saw that his face was a wreck too. He was pale and grey, brow furrowed and eyes only half open, clearly trying to get as little light as possible. He froze for a second when he finally saw Sirius, but quickly recovered and gestured that he join him at a different table.  
“Hungover, are we?”  
“Oh shut up.”  
Remus’ voice was groggy and scratchy, a stark contrast to Sirius’ own playful tone.  
“Why are you even here if you’re sick? You could’ve just stayed in bed, yanno.”  
“I’m not just gonna lie in bed all day feeling sorry for myself when this isn’t anyone’s fault but my own.”  
It was amazing how defiant Remus could sound, even in his clearly unwell state.  
“You didn’t _have_ to feel sorry for yourself. You could’ve just sat in the dark and done some work.”  
“Yes well, I wanted to talk to Lily.”  
“Ooo about what?”  
Sirius’ had put on his ‘gossip’ voice.  
“Just… about last night.”  
There was an obvious aura of awkwardness surrounding his words. An awkwardness which clearly was creeping up on Sirius too.  
“Oh… right…”  
Sirius winced.  
“Oh god, was it really _that_ bad?”  
Remus winced too.  
“No! It was just… I didn’t really…”  
“Please don’t tell me I did anything awful.”  
“What?”  
Sirius suddenly snapped out of his awkwardness. _Does he not…?_  
“I barely remember anything. The last thing I remember was talking to that guy about The Canterbury Tales.”  
A mix of relief and sadness washed through Sirius. He was glad that there was nothing particularly awkward that Remus could remember, but then again, if he didn’t remember then he _definitely_ hadn’t meant it. _James was right. Of course he was._

_Oh well, it’s not like I wasn’t expecting it._  
“I’m sorry to break it to you Remus, but you got into a fight that ended in the demolition of the entire house.”  
“Oh _ha ha_.”  
If he hadn’t been sick, Sirius was sure Remus would’ve rolled his eyes.  
“Really though, you didn’t do anything _that_ bad. You didn’t even do anything embarrassing, I promise.”  
“Well now I’m just disappointed in myself. Did I literally do _nothing_?”  
“You did flirt a little bit.”  
Sirius had decided that since Remus didn’t remember, he might as well tease him a little. After all, Sirius wasn’t unaccustomed to putting on a cheeky demeanor to have some fun with Remus, who always played along.  
“Oh really?”  
Remus had raised an eyebrow.  
“Complementing, playing with hair, you were _definitely_ flirting.”  
“Yep. Sounds like me.”  
Remus said, rolling his eyes.  
“Honestly Remus! You were!”  
“I _was_ drunk. I suppose it’s possible… So, who was the unfortunate victim?”  
“ _That my_ friend, would be telling.”  
Remus chuckled.  
“At least give me a clue, guy or girl?”  
That shook Sirius a little. Even though it _had_ been a guy, he hadn’t expected Remus to have seriously considered it a possibility, and as much of a possibility as a girl.  
“You’re the great detective Sherlock Holes! You don’t need clues!”  
“Even Sherlock needs clues. Especially when he’s hungover. So tell me, guy or girl?”  
“Guy.”  
Sirius said, a faint grin edging its way onto his face.  
“Is he fit?”  
“I’d say so.”  
The grin had arrived in all its mischievous glory.  
“Interesting. But would _I_ say he’s fit?”  
“I don’t know. What’s your type?”  
“I don’t know really. Haven’t really thought about it. My only real basis is my highschool girlfriend.”  
“And what was she like?”  
“Quirky would probably be the best word for it. Bubblegum pink hair, ragged clothes, more piercings than most people were comfortable with.”  
“Was _she_ your type?”  
“Yeah, but obviously it didn’t work out. We just… drifted apart I guess.”  
The playfulness had drifted out of Remus’ voice, causing Sirius to start to feel bad for him.  
“Oh… I’m sorry.”  
“Nah, it’s fine. I’ve moved on. After all, I _was_ flirting with that hottie. Any chance he was flirting back?”  
And quick as a flash, the old tone was back, and Sirius had started to blush a little.  
“Why? Considering getting with him?”  
“I dunno, depends if he’s as fit as you say.”  
“Come on Remus, you’re not even gay.”  
Sirius said, giving Remus a _seriously?_ look.  
“You don’t know that.”  
Sirius began to blush at the look Remus was giving him. It was challenging and soft, and somehow vulnerable. _Could he…?_  
“Well, are you?”  
Sirius tried to keep a lightness in his tone, but really he was itching to know the answer.  
“A bit.”  
Sirius huffed exasperatedly.  
“You can’t be a _bit_ gay.”  
“Well _I_ am.”  
Suddenly Remus’ tone had become defensive. Sirius then realised what had just happened. Remus had just come out to him, and all he’d done was deny it. Shame washed over him as Remus’ gaze dropped to his own hands on the table.  
“Remus, I’m sorry. I thought you were-”  
“Joking?”  
Remus’ tone had turned slightly aggressive. Sirius was too ashamed to reply.  
“Well I wasn’t.”  
Possibly due to the look on Sirius’ face, all anger dropped from Remus’ voice, and now just sounded saddened.

They sat in awkward silence for a second, before Remus spoke again.  
“I’m bisexual.”  
But before Sirius had the chance to say anything, Remus cut back in, a determined look on his face.  
“...And I’m not ashamed about it. No, I don’t flaunt it around, but I don’t exactly hide it either. No one asks, I just never correct assumptions. People either usually don’t notice or don’t care, and I don’t mind that. So you can tell whoever you want, I don’t care, I just don’t want a big deal made over it.”  
Sirius just sat and blinked at Remus. Whatever he had expected from him today, it _definitely_ wasn’t a coming out speech. Then he smiled the kind of smile that Remus would give him from time to time. A smile reserved for acceptance and total understanding. A smile that softened Remus’ own expression simply with its pure warmth.  
“So, do you still wanna know about that guy?”  
Remus grinned wider than Sirius had ever seen.  
“Absolutely.”

It only took about five minutes of teasing for Remus to figure out who it had been.  
“Alright, alright! Enough already! Give me an _actual_ clue! All I know is that he’s male, shorter than me, and I know him.”  
“Surely that narrows it down.”  
Remus raised an eyebrow, tilting his head slightly to one side.  
“Name one guy I know who _isn’t_ shorter than me.”  
“Okay, fine, I see your point. How about this? He has long hair, is very gay, and is sat right in front of you.”  
Remus suddenly blushed, his eyes widened, and he bit his bottom lip. In all the time in which he had known him, Sirius had never found Remus as cute as he did in that moment. Remus released his lip from between his teeth, and a playful smirk crossed his face.  
“I suppose the question now is: Did he flirt back?”  
“Unfortunately not.”  
Remus’ blush grew more intense.  
“Unfortunately?”  
Despite everything. Despite Remus’ slightly expectant tone, despite the strange situation, and above all, despite the excessive amount Sirius wanted to; Sirius did nothing but continue his cheeky tone.  
“Yeah. If I had, I would’ve gained a shit ton more teasing material!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep. We gettin there :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

_So… he’s bi._ Sirius couldn’t stop thinking about it, couldn’t stop thinking about what that meant. _Nothing. It means nothing. His sexuality doesn’t matter, we’re still just friends._ And yet, little things kept coming to him. Little moments where ‘if he hadn’t known better’ he would’ve said Remus was… flustered. But now he did know. He damn well knew that Remus Lupin was attracted to men. Every blush when they touched hands, every soft smile, the joke flirting (which, if Sirius was honest, was just flirting with a playful tone), and most of all the fact that _Remus had thought he’d lost him too_. Sirius already knew they’d felt the same about that, so maybe… And then there was the party. Remus, having not remembered much, was seemingly much more of a lightweight than previously expected. It was very possible that he was just a flirty drunk; but then again he hadn’t flirted with anyone else. Eventually Sirius decided that he wasn’t going to do anything. It wasn’t as if Sirius had any solid reason to believe that Remus was into him. All he _really_ had was a feeling, and it was obvious that his feelings on this matter were biased. Having said that, Sirius was bold; and for this reason had also decided that if he ever got any solid proof he would just go for it. Unfortunately, solid proof wasn’t always easy to come by.

This was evident when a few days later Sirius had been sat in the rec room talking to James (both Lily and Remus were at lectures). Their conversation was the usual. James not shutting up about football for the most part, Sirius however was contributing far less than usual. Sirius liked football. He wasn’t as huge of a fan as James was but he always watched the important matches. He would religiously watch the world cup, and (much to James’ dismay) always supported France. It wasn’t as if he didn’t have good reason to. If pissing off James wasn’t already reason enough, Sirius himself was French. The only person who really knew that (other than Sirius’ family, of course) was James, due to the amount of time they spent together watching french football matches. Sirius had grown up in London, but could still speak French fluently. He didn’t have a French accent, and no one would know unless they got Sirius drunk enough. Whenever Sirius got absolutely hammered, his accent would slip into French and if you were lucky, he’d even start speaking French. James had learned that the hard way when, after a night out, James had asked Sirius to call a taxi. Sirius by then was seemingly incapable of speaking English, and seemed to think that everyone was being very unreasonable when they said they couldn’t understand him, since he thought that everyone else was also speaking French.

So, James had been talking about football, and Sirius hadn’t been paying attention.   
“But that _goal_ , Sirius! Are you even listening?”  
“...Yeah… I agree.”  
James put his head in his hands and huffed.  
“What’s wrong?”  
Suddenly Sirius’ eyes focused and he looked at James in a confused manner.  
“Huh?”  
“Oh come on, you’re basically _day dreaming_ over there. You’re way too out of it for nothing to be wrong.”  
“Nothing’s wrong, I was just… thinking.”  
“Remus again?”  
Sirius blushed and shook his head furiously.  
“No!”  
James looked at him doubtfully.  
“I’m not an idiot.”  
“Are you sure?”  
He rolled his eyes.  
“It’d make sense if you were.”  
Sirius’ eyes grew wide.  
“What? Why? Do you know something?”  
“Not… exactly.”  
James sounded more indecisive than playful, this concerned Sirius.  
“What do you mean?!”  
“I mean that I probably don’t know any more than you.”  
“Well it sure sounds like you do!”  
Sirius was starting to panic.  
“It’s just something Lily was talking to me about earlier, just before you got here and she left.”  
“What was it?!”  
James ran a hand through his hair thoughtfully, awkwardly.  
“I’m not sure I can tell you…”  
“You said I already knew!”  
Sirius sounded mildly outraged. _He can’t just tempt me like that!_  
“Yeah… that’s why I’m not sure.”  
“Why wouldn’t you be able to?”  
James definitely looked uncomfortable now.  
“...Lily told me not to.”  
Sirius threw his arms up in the air dramatically, then banged them down on the table.  
“Why the hell not?!”  
Everyone in the rec room had turned to look at them at the bang on the table, and James leaned back in some sort of self defense.  
“Woah! Chill! If you’re gonna make a scene we should go to your room.”  
“Will you tell me if we do?”  
“Fine. So long as you stop having temper tantrums in public.”  
Sirius clenched his fists and got up.  
“Are you coming then?”

An awkward silence followed them in the lift up to Sirius’ room. Neither uttered a word until they were sitting in Sirius’ room.  
“So? What did Lily say?”  
Luckily, Sirius’ anger had died down on the way up, and he now only sounded irritated.  
“Well, she was speaking to Remus this morning…”  
James sounded more tentative than Sirius could’ve ever believed. It was clear that he _really_ wasn’t meant to be telling Sirius this.  
“... and he was kind of… freaking out.”  
The irritation dropped from Sirius’ face and was replaced with impatient confusion.  
“About what?”  
“Well… that’s the thing. I’m not sure I should tell you.”  
Sirius shook his head slightly in disbelief.  
“You can’t just _not tell_ me.”  
“Lily wasn’t even one hundred percent sure what she heard…”  
James was clearly avoiding the topic.  
“James.”  
Sirius sounded stern.  
“...and he might tell you himself anyway…”  
“ _James_.”  
“Alright! Alright. From what Lily could gather, Remus remembered something from that night.”  
Concern filled Sirius’ body.  
“What did he remember?”  
“He only remembered one thing…”  
“What was it?!”  
“Him kissing you.”

Sirius just sat and blinked for a moment. He was in shock, unable to fully process the situation.  
“Sirius? Are you alright?”  
James’ tone was filled with worry.  
“Did he… Did he say anything else?”  
He was light headed, dazed, sure that if he had been standing he would’ve fallen over.  
“Just that… well… he couldn’t remember why, and that…”  
“That what?!”  
Sirius sounded urgent. He needed to know _everything_.  
“That he seemed disappointed… he couldn’t figure out why you hadn’t mentioned it.”  
That was it. It had become too much for Sirius. Conflicting thoughts and emotions seemed to explode in his head, causing complete havoc in his brain. Outwardly however, he did nothing. He just sat and stared blankly at James.

Sirius’ gaze focused on a concerned James clapping his hands in front of Sirius’ face. The sound followed soon after, and Sirius shook his head to fully wake himself.  
“You can stop that now, I’m okay.”  
“Are you sure? Because you literally stopped responding.”  
“Yes, James. I’m fine.”  
But he wasn’t. Obviously. _Remus was disappointed that I hadn’t mentioned it._ It wouldn’t stop spinning around in his head. _Remus Lupin, who is bisexual, was disappointed that I hadn’t mentioned the kiss_.  
“Sirius, I don’t think you can take this like he likes you, he _is_ straight.”  
And before Sirius could think twice he’d corrected him.  
“No, he’s not.”  
“He’s… not?”  
“No, but that’s not the point.”  
“Then what _is_ the point?”  
“The point is that he doesn’t know why he kissed me.”  
“And why’s that so important?”  
“He was disappointed!”  
Sirius started to sound hopeful, but James just got more and more confused.  
“I don’t get what you’re saying.”  
“I’m _saying_ that he thinks he kissed me and I pretended that it didn’t happen.”  
“So?”  
“And he’s disappointed.”  
James’ eyes widened in disbelief.  
“Oh.”  
Sirius began to grin slightly.  
“Yep.”  
“Even so, you can’t jump to conclusions.”  
Sirius rolled his eyes.  
“I know, I know, but maybe.”  
James gave in and grinned a little in return.  
“Yeah, I guess, maybe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close now :)))


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Much to Sirius’ surprise, when he next saw Remus nothing had changed. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected; maybe some awkwardness, maybe distance, maybe even Remus talking to him about it, but no such thing happened. After a day or two, Sirius started to feel bad that he knew and Remus hadn’t said anything, so he decided to take matters into his own hands.  
“So, I was talking to James, and something came up about you and it made me wonder…”  
Sirius was trying to sound as casual as possible, but Remus was looking at him with the most blank expression he’d ever seen. If he didn’t know better, he probably wouldn’t even have realised that this was Remus’ ‘hiding something’ face.  
“... how much do you _actually_ remember from that party?”  
Remus’s expression barely changed. His eye widened about a millimeter, cheeks flushed a shade more pink, eyebrows furrowed for a fraction of a second.  
“I already told you what I remember.”  
His voice was flat, but Sirius was sure there was something to it, something he wanted to bring out, to understand what Remus was feeling.  
“It’s just, I was talking to James, and he brought up something Lily said and-”  
“I have to go.”  
And without an explanation of any kind, Remus was gone. His expression hadn’t changed, he’d just left.

Sirius thought about going after him, but he had no idea where Remus had gone. Plus, Sirius didn’t even know if he'd want him to follow. Even so, Sirius couldn’t help but be concerned. That was probably why Sirius had subconsciously pressed the number three instead of four in the lift to go to his room. When he got off the lift (still too preoccupied to realise it was the wrong floor), he began to walk up to ‘his room’. He was even too distracted to realise until he was right in front of the door, that the door itself was ajar. At first, Sirius thought someone might’ve broken in (he did have expensive instruments and a laptop in there), but then he heard something. A muffled choking noise, then a few seconds later a raspy sob. _There’s someone crying in there_. Only then did it occur to Sirius to look back at the lift. Above it, pained in lime green, a large number three. _Shit. This is Remus’ room. Which means…_ Without thinking, Sirius began to slowly open the door. What he saw wasn’t a surprise, but it didn’t make it any easier of a sight to bare. 

Remus was sitting on his bed, hunched against his wall, knees held tight to his chest, face tucked down. He was shaking, clearly struggling to breathe, and completely unaware of his surroundings. Sirius stood, unsure how to approach the situation. He decided the best thing to do was to make a sound to alert him of his presence.  
“Hey.”  
Sirius said it as softly as he could, but even then it made Remus jump out of his skin.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb, I got off on the wrong floor and my- your door was ajar.”  
Once Sirius had finished his short explanation and the initial shock had worn off, tears started streaming down Remus’ face again. He looked terrified. He took a large, choked breath that shook his whole body, as if he hadn’t been breathing the whole time Sirius was there. It occurred to Sirius then that he probably _hadn’t_ been breathing. Once he thought about it, Sirius knew exactly what was going on here. He wasn’t unfamiliar with the experience himself. Remus was having a panic attack.

Sirius knew how to deal with sad people, but a panic attack was something else. He’d had his fair share of them in his life, but never had anyone been there to help. There were only a few things he could think to do, he’d have to improvise the rest.  
“Remus,”  
He said calmly.  
“Remus, can you hear my voice?”  
Remus just barely nodded his head, continuing to shake uncontrollably, breaths few and far between.  
“Just listen to my voice, concentrate on it, and as best you can follow what I say, okay?”  
Remus nodded again, more noticeably this time.  
“I want you to breathe with me, I’ll count in for four then out for six, can you do that for me?”  
Remus slowly began to look up again. Still quivering and sobbing, but trying his best to look at Sirius.  
“In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four, five, six.”  
The first time Remus tried, he only managed to get to three before he began to sob again, but after five or six rounds, he began to breathe semi-normally again and Sirius stopped speaking. Over the time this took, Sirius had slowly approached Remus and come to sit next to him. He wasn’t sure where Remus would be mentally in terms of human contact. Everyone was different with this kind of thing, and Sirius didn’t want to make him feel any worse; so he decided to go for a safe option and held out his hand. To his somewhat surprise, Remus took it and squeezed tightly. He was no longer looking at Sirius, just staring at his legs (now crossed in front of him). His eyes were still red with tears and his breathing was still shaky, but somehow just holding onto Sirius seemed to ground him a little.

After sitting in silence for nearly fifteen minutes, Remus finally looked at Sirius. He looked somehow completely better now, as if nothing had happened at all.  
“Thank you.”  
His voice was rough however, much more so than usual, it sounded almost like it hurt him to even speak. Sirius briefly squeezed his hand.  
“No problem. If you need to talk, I’m happy to listen.”  
Remus smiled slightly.  
“Thanks, but I think I’ll be okay, I just… get like this sometimes.”  
His gaze dropped to their hands, which were now loosely intertwined. Sirius looked too, a light blush crossing his cheeks, a thousand thoughts rushing through his mind. _Does he know what this means? What does it even mean? Why hasn’t he let go? Does he just not want to? Why doesn’t he want to?_ Sirius froze, his whole body tensing, not noticing that he was gripping onto Remus’ hand until Remus gave him a strange look.  
“Are you okay?”  
Sirius realised what he was doing and quickly pulled his hand away, eyes wide with panic.  
“Uhm, yeah… I’m fine.”  
Remus gave him an odd, almost (dare he say it) _flirty_ look.   
“I don’t bite, yanno.”  
This wasn’t an unfamiliar scenario for Sirius. He and Remus had playfully flirted before, but it was always Sirius who started it, and it was _never_ as blatant as this. He didn’t know what to do. Normally, he’d flirt back, although there was no _normally_ in this situation.  
“I… uhm…”  
Sirius blushed furiously, he couldn’t quite believe what was happening because Remus was now smiling at him. Not playfully or mischievously, just smiling. Looking at Sirius as though he was an unread novel.  
“I don’t understand you, Sirius.”  
 _He doesn’t understand me?!_   
“You’re so confident, so… yourself; then you do things, things that I would never expect. You get nervous or shy or don’t say things and I can never figure out why.”  
Sirius looked astounded. This _had_ to be a joke. Sirius didn’t know how else he could respond.  
“Oh come on. You’re the great Sherlock Holmes. _Surely_ you can figure it out.”  
Remus’ smile split into a wide grin and she shook his head slowly.  
“And then you’re back, and I’m never sure what to make of it.”  
 _Was he not joking?_  
“I- I don’t know what you mean.”  
Remus’ smile fell just a little, he was looking at Sirius like he would an unsolved riddle. Remus loved solving riddles, and this was one that he would never want to give up on.  
“I mean that I think you know why I left, and I know you know what I remember; but I don’t know why you won’t admit it. It’s like you’re scared, which is insanity because it’s _me_ who’s the scared one.”  
Sirius was now more confused than ever. There wasn’t an ounce of fear in Remus’ calm voice, but he knew that Remus wasn’t lying. After all, he had found him crying half an hour ago.  
“I’m not scared, I just… I didn’t know how you’d react.”  
Remus raised an eyebrow sceptically, chuckling slightly.  
“So you were… scared I’d react badly?”  
Sirius rolled his eyes.  
“Yes, fine, I was scared.”  
A smug look crept onto Remus’ face as Sirius blushed. He couldn’t help it. This was a topic that had been on his mind for _days_ and now they were actually discussing it. They were discussing the kiss.  
“Sirius…”  
All the mischief had gone from Remus’ face now. It was honest and open and soft.  
“Remus?”  
Sirius was nervous. He could feel the tentativeness in Remus’ voice, it sent chills up his spine.  
“I don’t know much of what happened that night, but I do know one thing.”  
“And what’s that?”  
“That I may have been drunk, but I sure as hell wasn’t stupid.”  
Sirius was speechless. He couldn’t think of a single coherent thing to say.  
“W-What do you- Are you- Do you- What?”  
Remus chuckled slightly, nervously.  
“Sirius, I just told you that I think kissing you was a good idea.”  
This time Sirius had no words at all, he just stared, and blushed, and hoped he wasn’t dreaming.  
“Sirius? Can you please say something?”  
Remus was starting to look more and more anxious, but when Sirius’ face began to display a disbelieving smile, Remus began to relax, even smile a little himself.  
“Are you saying that you actually _wanted_ to kiss me?”  
“No, I’m saying that I _want_ to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, there's more ;)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a short chapter where nothing _really_ happens but... yanno

**Chapter 14**

“So?”  
Remus’ voice was light and quiet, full of hope and excitement.  
“So.”  
Sirius just couldn’t stop grinning. He couldn’t believe this was happening, it was almost too good to be true.  
“Do you..?”  
Remus sounded nervous, but his eyes were looking right into Sirius’. The streaks of gold seemed to sparkle, Sirius only now realised that the fairy lights were lit. Sirius just nodded his head, possibly a bit too enthusiastically, because Remus chuckled in that way he always did when Sirius was acting like an overeager child. Sirius noticed how much he loved that laugh. It was all too quick but so full of everything Remus was. Cozy and soft and just a little bit (okay, a lot) sassy. He reached up a hand and placed it on the side of Remus’ face, stroking his cheek with his thumb. His skin wasn’t quite soft, but it was warm. It felt lived in. His thumb brushed across a scar, and Sirius couldn’t even remember how many times he’d dreamt of feeling it just like this. Sirius was transfixed. Just drinking in Remus’ face, unable to do anything but stare.  
“You’re… beautiful.”  
Sirius felt Remus’ face shift into a smile. He shook his head in denial, but Sirius placed his other hand on the other side and held his face still.  
“Really Remus, stunning.”  
Remus just rolled his eyes, but he was blushing and smiling and there was nothing Sirius wanted to do more than to kiss him. So he did.

Almost too good to be true. But it _was_ true. It couldn’t not be. Not even in Sirius’ imagination had it ever been _this_ right. It was Remus. It was so, _so_ Remus. Everything. From his almost scorching lips to his tentative kissing, his (surprisingly) strong hands on Sirius’ waist to the intensity of his woody smell. Sirius couldn’t get enough. He was smiling, they both were, and when they pulled back they just looked at each other as if they were the only thing that mattered. Sirius felt dizzy with elation, this was so much better than that time at the party. This time Sirius had had time to feel Remus’ slightly chapped lips, time to appreciate the moment. Every second, Sirius was fully aware of how Remus was moving, of every freckle on his cheeks, every one of his long eyelashes. Sirius was in awe of him.  
“Remus, you’re-”  
But before Sirius could finish, Remus cut him off with a playful grin.  
“Oh, shut _up_.”  
And Remus pulled him back in. Sirius didn’t even have time to close his mouth, but that didn’t seem to matter in the slightest. Remus’ grip was firm, pulling Sirius towards him, making it increasingly difficult for them both to stay cross legged in front of each other. Remus seemed to be willing them closer, tugging at Sirius’ waist until he felt like he was going to fall forward onto him. Sirius pulled back for breath, knowing that if this was to continue, one (or both) of them was going to have to move.  
“You’re too far away.”  
Sirius said, breathless and giddy with joy.  
“Come closer then.”  
Remus’ eyes were something new, something all too amazing. They were intense and hungry and Sirius wanted him _so_ much.  
“I can’t. You’re- My-”  
Suddenly, Remus pulled Sirius in with such determination that Sirius fell forward, arms wrapping around Remus’ neck, chest fully against his. Remus chuckled and, eventually so did Sirius (once he’d gotten over the surprise). Once they’d both stopped laughing, Remus growled into his ear.  
“Just sit on me.”  
Sirius shifted, and soon enough he was sitting on Remus’ lap, legs wrapped around his lower back. Their mouths were locked together, Sirius couldn’t stop thinking how absolutely amazing this all was, how amazing Remus was. Sirius couldn’t believe how strong he was, but what overwhelmed that even was how _gentle_ he was. His arms were now fully wrapped around Sirius, and his grip was so firm yet so incredibly soft. Sirius had ended up with one hand at the nape of Remus’ neck, while the other gripped his hair. His hair wasn’t as soft as Sirius’, but it was thinner, lighter, more like cotton than silk. 

Sirius wasn’t sure when it had started or who had started it, but they were now both tugging absently at the collar of each other’s shirts. Remus was tugging at the back of Sirius’ ACDC t-shirt, and Sirius was getting dangerously close to unbuttoning Remus’ coral shirt. Sirius broke away, intent on reaching Remus’ ear to whisper into it, but before he could get any words out, Remus had already set upon Sirius’ neck. Sirius’ breath hitched as he felt Remus’ warm mouth just under his jaw. _Fuck, this is good_. When he felt the flick of Remus’ tongue on his skin he let out a small moan that made Remus giggle.  
“Stop laughing at me.”  
Sirius tried to protest, but he was in too much bliss for the words to really carry any offense.  
“I’m not, I just… You’re so _good_.”  
The word ‘good’ came out almost as a purr that made Sirius melt, head tilting back, exposing even more of his neck for Remus to ravish. And he did. Remus kept finding certain spots, certain things that made Sirius lose it the most, and when he did he always lingered, leaving a reddish mark on Sirius’ pale skin. Remus kept creeping lower. When he got to Sirius’ shirt collar he pulled it down, revealing a prominent collarbone upon which he was apparently intent on biting, which drove Sirius _crazy_. Sirius knew Remus was stretching the t-shirt but he didn’t care, it would go back to normal in the wash anyway. _Oh, fuck it._ Sirius thought. There was no point in making him wrestle with his collar when it was easy enough to remove.  
“Just take it off.”  
Sirius breathed, and he felt Remus grin against the crook of his neck.

Remus found the bottom of Sirius’ shirt and slipped a hand under it. Like the rest of him, his hands were warm and slightly rough against Sirius’ own soft skin. Sirius now had both hands in Remus’ hair, pulling gently with every feeling that rang through his body. Even as Remus began to pull the top up he kept his lips on Sirius’ neck. He was slow but certain in every movement, as if everything he did was cautious and planned beautifully. His mouth retreated briefly as he pulled Sirius’ top off, over his head, and slung it to the other end of the bed. Before he was able to return to his previous activities however, Sirius caught Remus’ lips with his own. He was ravaging Remus’ face, sucking on his bottom lip and making sure to take in everything he could. He could feel Remus’ hands roaming his bare chest, making their way to his back, pulling him tight before relaxing into him again. Everything was so perfect. Everything was so perfect, that is, until the door swung open. _James_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry lol


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

For a minute, everyone was frozen in shock. James stood in the doorway, staring at the sight in front of him. Remus had let go of Sirius and Sirius had let go of Remus, but neither had moved at all otherwise, they both just stared at James. Once the initial shock had worn off, Sirius swiftly clambered off Remus and retrieved his shirt, putting it back on and sitting at that end of the bed like nothing had happened.  
“One question… why didn’t you knock?”  
Sirius was trying to sound nonchalant, but in the awkwardness of the situation, it felt more nervous than anything.  
“Well, funnily enough, I didn’t expect you two to be on the verge of shagging.”  
“We weren’t!”  
Both said at once. James started to laugh.  
“Are you two going to just pretend that none of this happened?”  
“To you? Definitely.”  
Sirius seemed to be getting more and more impatient, while Remus was pretending not to exist. James however had clearly decided this situation was _far_ too uncomfortable for him.  
“Welp, glad to see you’re uhm… together. I can’t promise not to tell Lily but I’ll try my best to miss out the part where you two were… yeah.”  
James started to leave but Sirius called out after him.  
“Why did you even come here?”  
“Oh, I was gonna ask Remus if he knew where you were ‘cause you weren’t in your room but I know now so I’ll be off.”  
And James rushed out, closing the door again behind him.

“Are you okay?”  
Sirius was looking at Remus with slight concern, he had clearly been the most uncomfortable in that situation.  
“Relatively.”  
“Do you want me to… uhm… go?”  
Sirius was nervous, unsure, but that comment seemed to snap Remus out of his awkward funk.  
“What? No.”  
Sirius chuckled semi-nervously, shuffling slightly back towards Remus.  
“So…”  
“So.”  
“Time for the emergency kazoo?”  
Remus chuckled and shook his head lightly.  
“Nah, I don’t think this quite counts as an emergency.”  
“What do you suggest we do then?”  
“We could just… yanno… talk.”  
“But… kazoo?”  
Sirius’ overexaggerated frown made Remus roll his eyes, grinning ever so slightly.  
“Sirius, d’you reckon James is gonna be weird about it?”  
“Nah, he’s walked in on this kind of shit before.”  
Despite Sirius’ calm tone, Remus looked shocked.  
“You mean, walked in on other people or on you?”  
“Well I wouldn’t be so sure about him being chill if it was other people.”  
“Oh my god, what happened?”  
Remus was in disbelief, wondering what exactly James had seen before.  
“Well, funny story actually, I never actually _came out_ to James, he just kind of, saw for himself.”  
Remus looked mildly alarmed but Sirius just continued.  
“So James and I went to a boarding school, mixed by the way, and James and I were roommates. By our sixth year it was common knowledge that you always knock before entering your room (or anyone else’s) in case they were, well, in there _with_ someone else. James never really got the memo though. Since he always went to his girlfriend’s room instead of her coming to ours, we generally didn’t need to knock. Long story short I thought he was at football practice but it had (unbeknownst to me) been cancelled, and he caught me undressing this bloke called Chris from our maths class.”  
“Oh shit.”  
Remus was taken aback, he couldn’t even imagine how awful that would be.  
“I mean, credit to James, he left almost immediately, then when he saw me later just asked ‘you gay?’ and I said I was and that was it. It wasn’t even awkward.”  
“What was he like?”  
“Who? Chris?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Oh, just your typical repressed gay. Blonde, catholic, choir boy. Went through a rebellious phase for a year and I’m pretty sure is now on track to becoming a priest.”  
Remus’ face formed a surprised grimace.  
“Wow. That’s… something.”  
“I know. To be fair we never really even did anything. He cried when James left and I just hugged him until he stopped. We never talked after that. I think he was scared of his dad finding out or something.”  
“Oh, that’s really quite sad.”  
“Yeah, I hope he’s okay.”  
They sat in comfortable silence for a bit, just sifting through their thoughts. It was odd for Sirius to think about, to talk about, especially with Remus. Even though it had only been a few months, school felt like it had been a lifetime ago. Everything was so different now, he was separate from his family, he had freedom for what felt like the first time in his life, and above all, he had Remus.

Eventually, after talking for a while more, they got to the subject of them. When Remus had first raised it, Sirius' stomach filled with butterflies.  
"Sirius?"  
"Yeah?"  
"What are we?"  
"Gay?"  
Remus chuckled.  
"I mean _us_ , what are we collectively?"  
"Oh, I dunno, what do you want to be?"  
Sirius tried to sound casual, but he felt like his insides were buzzing.  
"Whatever you're comfortable with."  
Both were avoiding saying what they wanted to say, neither wanted to suggest it and in turn get rejected.  
"I'm comfortable with whatever."  
But that wasn't true. Sirius didn't want to be 'friends with benefits' or whatever else. He wanted to be _with_ Remus. He wanted to be his boyfriend.  
"So, if I were to ask you, would you go on a date with me?"  
Sirius' face lit up. He'd dreamt of going on a date (a _real_ date) with Remus almost from the moment he'd met him.  
"Are you asking me on a date?"  
"Only if you say yes."  
Remus said cheekily.  
"Well then yes."  
Remus grinned, looking as if he was a kid who'd just been told he was going to Disneyland. Sirius (of course) was grinning too.   
"When are you free?"  
Sirius chuckled.  
"You already know that."  
"Oh yeah, I do, don't I?"  
Remus said with a mischievous smile. They knew each other so well already, they even knew their schedules. And even if neither had said it, they knew that they were now _properly_ together. They were at least unspoken boyfriends, which was enough for him, and that thought made Sirius go _mad_. Finally, _finally_ , he was exactly where he wanted to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a date :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date tiiime :)

**Chapter 16**

A date. Sirius was going on a date _with Remus_. He was strangely nervous. Of course dates can be nerve wracking, but spending time with Remus wasn't, and that was really all it was. It wasn't even a fancy dinner date, they were just getting coffee. Sirius had to keep telling himself that. _It's just coffee with Remus. It's just coffee with Remus._ But that didn't seem to help when he couldn't decide what to wear. Remus knew him, so there was no point in wearing clothes any fancier than usual (especially since they weren't going anywhere fancy). That left Sirius with his usual wardrobe, but _what to wear_? He'd considered asking James for his input, but he knew that'd be pointless. Eventually he just ended up trying on basically everything in his wardrobe and landing on cherry red DMs, black barely ripped jeans, an iron maiden t-shirt, and a plain black denim jacket. He looked in the mirror, realising that he looked exactly the same as usual. _Well shit._ He looked at the clock above his bed. _Well SHIT._ He had no more time to fuss over his outfit. It was time to go on his date.

As Sirius went down to the lounge, he couldn’t help remembering back to their friend-date. It was almost laughable now, his attempts to avoid Remus, since they had after that become such good friends. It felt the same though, the nerves, the wanting to impress, the anxiety involved with going on dates in general. When he saw Remus sitting tensely on the sofa, the same look of worry as Sirius felt plastered on his face, it seemed to relax him. He stood, and Sirius noticed Remus' jeans. Stone wash mum jeans that were cuffed to just above his ankles. Sirius bit his bottom lip. _Of course he cuffs his jeans. Of course._ The twinkle in Sirius' eyes made Remus smile.  
"Are you ready to go?"  
Sirius asked casually.  
"Yep, are you?"  
"Of course I am."  
Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius.  
"No, you're not."  
"Why not?"  
Sirius sounded defensive.  
"Because it's late February and we both know how cold you get."  
Sirius huffed and went back to his room. When he came back down, he was wearing his wool lined black denim jacket.  
"Better?"  
"Perfect."  
Remus smiled kindly, and it made Sirius blush. That just made Remus smile more, something about how Sirius looked when he blushes always made Remus smile. Maybe it was the wash of pink of Sirius' usually porcelain skin, the warmth that filled his face when his cheeks went rosy, or maybe it was simply the knowledge that he could cause Sirius to look like that. Either way, Remus loved it.

As they walked to the cafe in which Sirius had had hot chocolate with Regulus a couple of months ago, they kept edging progressively closer together. Sirius, of course, was the main cause of this. He had been moving closer for a full five minutes before Remus rolled his eyes dramatically and grabbed Sirius' hand aggressively, weaving their fingers together.  
"What was that for?"  
"You've wanted to hold my hand since we first stepped out of the building, so I'm doing it."  
Although Remus had of course been right, Sirius still pouted.  
"You don't know that."  
"I do. I'm the great detective Sherlock Holmes, remember?"  
Remus squeezed Sirius' hand, then just continued to hold it but more softly. Sirius stopped pouting, and smiled to himself. He could feel the gentle roughness of Remus' palm against his own, his long fingers wrapped around, the way his thumb absently caressed the back of his hand; everything was so much better than he had imagined. He noticed Remus looking down at him, smiling, and Sirius' grin grew cheeky as he bumped into Remus with his shoulder, causing them both to laugh lightly. Just being this close to Remus sent Sirius a little mad. He could smell him, more boyish than woody (although boyish didn't seem like the right word, there was nothing _boyish_ about Remus), since he'd obviously put on more cologne than usual for the date. Thinking about Remus preparing (maybe nervously) for the date made Sirius giggle slightly, which in itself made Remus smile at Sirius even more.

When they got to the cafe, it seemed more obvious now than ever that Remus couldn't take his eyes off of him. Every second he could he was glancing at Sirius, and every time he did Sirius just blushed more. Remus ordered a lavender chamomile tea, while Sirius ordered a black coffee. Both clearly ordering their non embarrassing preference, since both had also been eyeing sweeter drinks. When their drinks arrived (Sirius' in a tall glass mug, Remus' coming in a small teapot with a large round mug), they sat at a small table in the corner. They had chosen a high table with tall stools, which Sirius had to hop to sit on, making Remus laugh.  
"Hey! Most people have to jump."  
"I know, but when you do it it's just so… cute."  
Remus's face went a light pink and Sirius rolled his eyes.  
"I'm not cute."  
"In all fairness you're not usually, but that, _that_ was cute."  
Remus was trying not to start giggling  
"Wow, you're not supposed to agree with me."  
"Well you're _not_ cute, you're stunningly handsome."  
Sirius chuckled, sipping his too hot coffee, at which he scrunched his nose a little.  
"Okay, I take it back, you _are_ cute."  
Remus said with a smile.  
"Make your mind up."  
"I have. You're adorable, and beautiful, and just outright hot."  
Sirius took another sip to try to hide his red face behind the mug, but the coffee was still too hot.  
"Well you're one to talk. You're the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen… Except for me of course."  
Remus chuckled slightly and shook his head, he was used to Sirius' jokes by now, but that didn't mean he would ever give Sirius the satisfaction of fully laughing at them.

"Can I try your weird tea?"  
Sirius said, leaning his whole body over the table to smell Remus' tea.  
"Sure, but you probably won't like it."  
Sirius picked up the mug and took a sip. The taste wasn't completely unpleasant, it just tasted like flowers, and not in a particularly good way.  
"Yeah, it's not great. Do you wanna try mine? I know it's a bit boring but yanno, if you want."  
"I'm okay, thanks. I'm trying to quit drinking coffee."  
"Oh? How come?"  
Sirius was surprised, but thinking about it, he hadn't seen Remus drink any coffee since before Christmas.  
"By the end of highschool I was drinking three cups of triple espresso a day. When I left I decided I needed to cut back, and then at Christmas I just decided to stop completely. New year's resolution and all that."  
Sirius looked genuinely impressed.  
"Wow, good on you."  
"Yeah, well, I don't know how long it'll last. When the exams start it might become necessary again."  
"I could try to help you stay off it, if you want."  
Remus smiled doubtfully at Sirius.  
"And how _exactly_ would you do that?"  
Sirius suddenly had a mischievous look in his eye.  
"Well, you can't have morning coffee if I keep you in bed all morning."  
Remus chuckled. Even though they both knew it was a joke, it was obvious that they wanted it to be true. The idea of waking up next to Remus, not even having to open his eyes to know he was there, being entangled with his long limbs and engulfed in his scent, it all seemed like utter bliss to Sirius.

As they drank their respective drinks they continued to chat. Plenty of flirty comments from Sirius and eye rolls from Remus, everything was generally as expected. Sirius' gaze kept slipping down to Remus' mouth when Remus spoke. Now that he knew how absolutely overwhelming his mouth felt, it was getting almost impossible to keep his eyes looking at anything else. Every time Remus noticed, he'd give Sirius a grin that made his heart race. It was a grin that he recognised. A grin that made him well aware that Remus was thinking the same thing as he was. Sirius gulped. Remus’ eyes followed his Adam's apple as it bobbed, before his eyes flitted back to Sirius’.  
“I have work at six.”  
Sirius said, avoiding Remus’ intense gaze.  
“I know.”  
Remus smiled, slightly confused.  
“I mean, I need to get on the bus at half five and, well, I’d say we have an hour but I _do_ need to get back so I can change.”  
Sirius sounded apologetic, but Remus understood.  
“Oh, that’s okay, we can leave now if you want.”  
Sirius ginned thankfully.  
“Thanks, but if you want to stay a bit longer we can.”  
Remus shook his head a little.  
“It’s okay, I’ve finished my tea anyway.”

Sirius picked up his jacket that he’d placed on the back of his chair, and Remus did the same with his coat. It was almost comedic how different their heights were when they stood, Remus standing at least seven inches taller than he was. This time Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand as they walked out, Sirius standing as close as possible to Remus, so close that Sirius was touching him from his shoulder to the tip of his fingers.  
“Sirius.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Let go of my hand for a second.”  
“Why?”  
“Just… please?”  
Sirius was confused but he stopped and obliged. When he did however, Remus put an arm around Sirius’ shoulders, kissed him on the top of the head before continuing walking. Sirius’s face flushed pink and he put his own arm around Remus’ waist, pulling as close as possible without hindering either’s walking.

Upon arriving back at the building, they both got in the lift, but to Sirius’ surprise, Remus didn’t press any buttons.  
“What are you up to, Remus?”  
Sirius said, playful suspicion filling his features.  
“I’m walking you home, obviously.”  
Sirius laughed, and Remus held him tighter. The lift door pinged open and it felt strange to Sirius when Remus let go of him completely. They walked next to each other to Sirius’ door, and just as Sirius put the key in the lock, Remus grabbed his waist and spun him around so his back was against the door. He was close, looming over him, a smirk gracing his lips.  
“Hey.”  
Remus said, low and almost whispering  
“I think you mean bye.”  
Sirius teased back, unable to function enough to flirt when faced with such a striking scenario.  
“Nope.”  
Remus began to edge closer, tilting his neck downwards so his face was within Sirius’ reach.  
“Hey.”  
Sirius said, and it made Remus chuckle. His tone was playfully seductive, but also ever so slightly breathless. Remus _made_ him breathless.

Remus finally closed the gap between them, pulling his waist closer so that Sirius had to hold onto the back of Remus’ neck to keep any control. They didn’t kiss for long, but it was full of emotion and passion and want.  
“ _Now’s_ when I say bye.”  
Sirius rolled his eyes.  
“And I thought I was the theatrical one.”  
“Fat chance. I read Shakespeare for _fun_.”  
Sirius giggled.  
“Point taken. Bye then I guess.”  
“See you tomorrow.”  
Sirius watched his walk off. _Remus. My Remus._ He stood, waiting for the lift, every now and then glancing back at Sirius who was still looking. Every time he saw Sirius grinning like a fool, Remus smiled to himself. Eventually the lift came and Sirius returned to unlocking his door. _Time for work._


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

Over the next week or so, nothing much changed. Of course when Sirius and Remus spent time together they were much closer (Sirius sometimes even just sitting on Remus’ lap), and whenever they left they’d kiss goodbye, but nothing more. They were always just so busy, and somehow, even though they’d already gone fairly far, it was obvious that Remus was a bit unsure about doing anything again. Since that first day, they hadn’t even been alone together, always meeting in the rec room or on occasion the library, but never anywhere where no one would see them, and _never_ either of their rooms. Initially, it wasn’t noticeable; meeting in the rec room was the usual for them, but it became clear to Sirius after a while how much of an aversion Remus had to being alone together. Sirius wasn’t sure what to make of it. Remus evidently didn’t want it to be obvious, he didn’t want to upset Sirius at all, but Sirius just wished Remus would talk to him about it instead of trying to avoid it completely. 

In the end, Sirius just wanted to know, and decided to bring up the topic.  
“Hey, Remus, how about we hang out somewhere else today?”  
They’d just met up in the rec room, and Sirius knew Remus wasn’t busy for the rest of the day.  
“Like the library?”  
“No, more like my room.”  
Sirius didn’t want to sound too pushy, he didn’t want to scare Remus.  
“Oh, I’m… not sure.”  
Remus sounded uncomfortable, ashamed that he was letting Sirius down. Sirius reached out and held Remus’ hand in a reassuring manner.  
“We don’t have to _do_ anything, I just like talking to you without other people around.”  
Sirius wasn’t sure what was scaring Remus, but he knew that if it was the intimacy that Remus was scared of, he’d make sure Remus didn’t need to worry at all. Remus chuckled slightly.  
“What’s so funny?”  
This confused Sirius. _Was he not scared at all?_  
“No, it’s not… I- Okay.”  
“Okay?”  
“Yes, okay, let’s go to your room.”  
Remus sounded tentative, but determined. Sirius smiled, and they made their way up to Sirius’ room.

When they got there, they both sat on Sirius’ bed. They had been talking about Remus’ birthday as they’d been going up in the lift, and the change of setting changed nothing in the conversation.  
“I _still_ don’t understand why you won’t tell me what day it is.”  
“Because you _still_ don’t need to know.”  
“Well I already know it’s this month, what if it’s passed already and I had no idea?”  
“That’s exactly what I want to happen.”  
“But _why_?”  
“Because I don’t like the attention of it. I hate the fact that it’s expected that people be nice to me, I hate it all.”  
“Do you hate the presents?”  
“Depends what they are.”  
Sirius huffed, he knew he was getting nowhere with this.  
“Unfortunately for you, I’ve already bought you a present, whether you like it or not.”  
“You have?”  
Remus raised an eyebrow.  
“Hey, don’t look so surprised. It’s not like it’s anything fancy, I just want to know when I can give it to you.”  
“Well that’s very kind of you, but I’m still not telling you when it is.”  
Sirius pouted.  
“I’ll just have to give it to you when you leave and you can open it on your birthday.”  
“Hm, that was surprisingly good of an idea.”  
“Hey! I’m not stupid!”  
Remus chuckled.  
“Definitely not.”  
Sirius rolled his eyes and playfully pushed Remus’ shoulder. Remus pushed him back, softer than Sirius’ push.  
“Oh come on pussy, you can do better than that.”  
Remus grinned cheekily.  
“Oh can I?”  
“I _know_ that you can.”  
“And how exactly do you know that? Maybe I’m just a major wimp.”  
“I actually happen to know that you’re pretty damn strong when you want to be.”  
Sirius’ voice was suggestive. He had obviously been talking about the last time in one of their rooms. Sirius could still remember the strength of Remus’ grip, his large hands firm on his waist. He remembered how much stronger Remus was than Sirius had expected him to be, almost as if he could lift him with absolutely no effort at all.

Just the thought of that time made both of them blush. Sirius suddenly became acutely aware of how much he was staring at Remus (especially the manner in which he was staring at him), and he reminded himself of the agreement he’d set in place.  
“Sorry.”  
“For what?”  
“Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.”  
Remus looked confusedly at Sirius.  
“I just… I don’t know what you’re comfortable with.”  
Sirius sounded nervous, but Remus suddenly got it.  
“ _Oh_ , no, I… It’s complicated.”  
Even though Remus had said it as if that was the end of the discussion, Sirius wanted to know more. This was the closest he’d gotten to an explanation so far, and he wasn’t about to let that go now.  
“Complicated how?”  
“Complicated like it’s a long story.”  
“I have time.”  
Remus sighed. He clearly hadn’t intended on saying anything, at least not today, but Sirius hadn’t really given him much of a choice. He was backed into a corner.

Sirius sat, watching Remus. He could almost see the thoughts whirring around Remus’ head, trying to figure out what he would say and how.  
“Firstly, I want to say that I’m not scared of intimacy, especially not intimacy with you. That’s not why I was avoiding being alone with you. Honestly I was scared because I knew how much I wanted it, and I didn’t want to face, well, this.”  
“This?”  
“I knew you’d ask if you saw and I didn’t want it to ruin anything.”  
“Saw what?”  
Sirius was getting more and more confused, but Remus was rubbing his hands together nervously and Sirius felt he _had_ to comfort him. He took Remus’ hands in his own and looked him in the eye reassuringly.  
“It’s… Fuck it, you’ll see it anyway eventually, i might as well just show you.”  
Remus removed his hands from Sirius’, and stood up. He turned away from Sirius and began to unbutton his shirt. When Remus was done, he removed the shirt. He dropped it at his feet, but didn’t turn around. He was shaking slightly, scared of how Sirius would react, even before he turned around. 

If Remus’ face and hands had been scarred, it was nothing compared to his back. Large pink scars ran all across his back, curving over his shoulders, spanning the entire length and breadth. He turned around slowly, clearly afraid of looking at Sirius in case he didn’t react well. Sirius was staring now. Not at the scars specifically (although there were plenty _to_ look at, even more than were on his back, and by the looks of it even deeper), but at Remus’ bare torso in general. It was a beautiful sight. Remus was slender and definitely not buff, even so Sirius couldn’t help but notice the curve of the muscle over Remus’ chest and shoulders. Sirius wanted to trace each muscle with his fingertips, feel the way they shifted with his breathing. He wanted to lie on top of him and listen to his heart beat, feel his not quite soft skin against his cheek, he wanted to run his hands along every inch of him, touch him until he knew from memory where every scar began and ended. He would do it, memorise it all, he would never not have enough time for him, for doing that. 

Sirius’ breathing had become heavy with the thoughts that ran through his mind. When Remus finally met his eyes, they were full of fervour. But when Remus realised he huffed and rolled his eyes.  
“I’m literally showing you my biggest insecurity, and you’re seriously just horny?”  
Sirius blinked for a second, coming back to the moment, remembering the context for this particular occurrence.  
“What can I say, you’re fucking gorgeous.”  
Sirius’ expression had barely changed, the only difference was that he was now aware of his surroundings. Remus chuckled, shaking his head slightly.  
“You’re ridiculous.”  
“You’re ridiculously hot.”  
Remus chuckled a little more, before retreating slightly back to his nervous self.  
“So… you don’t… mind?”  
“Mind? Jesus Remus, you’re breathtaking. The only thing I mind is that you’re too far away to touch.”  
Remus smiled and walked back over reluctantly, sitting back in front of Sirius.

Upon sitting down however, Sirius didn’t move at all. As much as he wanted to touch him right away, he decided that if there was any time to ask questions, it was now.  
“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me, but how did you get them?”  
Sirius wasn’t sure he could ask, but the fact of the matter was that if he didn’t he’d never know, and he wanted to have at least a chance to.  
“Oh, I was attacked by a wolf.”  
Sirius was completely shocked, and was about to speak when Remus started laughing.  
“What?”  
“I’m kidding. That’s just what I like to tell people if they ask.”  
“Maybe if you had you would’ve been a werewolf.”  
Sirius joked.  
“Oh yeah, that’s _definitely_ what would’ve happened.”  
They both started to giggle, but once they’d calmed down Remus looked Sirius right in the eye, a tentative expression on his face.  
“Do you want to know what really happened?”  
“You don’t have to say, but I would like to know.”  
“I grew up in a really rough area, and one day when I was about ten I was alone and a gang of teenagers came up to me. They all were carrying broken glass bottles and, well, they attacked me. I think they only stopped because they thought I was dead, and I nearly was, but someone found me and I got taken to the hospital. I’m lucky to be alive really.”  
Sirius was shocked. _Who would even do that?! What kind of sick fucks would attack a child?!_  
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”  
Remus just smiled slightly at Sirius.  
“It’s okay, I’m alive aren’t I?”  
Sirius smiled back at Remus, who he now saw fully. He saw the stunning man in front of him. A man who pulled through the worst and came out of the other side with his life intact. This was someone who, Sirius realised (not for this first time), looked beautiful _with_ his scars, not despite them. These scars just showed exactly how brave Remus was. Sirius had thought James was the bravest person he knew, but he was wrong; that person was sat right in front of him.  
“Yes. You most definitely are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turned out as a bit of a serious chapter, but the next one's a lot more just soft wolfstar :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a long chapter but I didn't want to split it so... yeah :)

**Chapter 18**

It was impossible for Sirius to just sit there any longer. Remus had been topless for at least ten minutes and he _still_ hadn't touched him. It was agonising, being able to see and not touch. He was basically drooling, watching the rise and fall with each breath, desperate to pounce. Remus noticed and smiled slyly, cocking an eyebrow.  
"You're still not over it, are you?"  
"Remus, you're hot as fuck, obviously I'm not over it."  
Remus bit his lip, which drove Sirius _wild._   
"I don't know what you're still doing there, I'm not stopping you."  
Sirius grinned and stared hungrily at Remus' chest before almost literally pouncing.

Sirius was on Remus' lap in no time, placing his hands on Remus' shoulders and staring at the centre of his chest. Sirius ran his hands slowly down his skin, and he relished in every second of it. Before long he'd run his hands over every bare inch of Remus. Every bit of him as glorious as the next, with his slightly rough skin and his not exactly defined muscle. His hands rested eventually on Remus' back, still tracing his fingers lightly over the closest scars. He leaned in and kissed Remus softly, making sure to appreciate every moment of it. Remus put his hands on Sirius' waist and gently pulled him closer in. The kiss deepened, and they pressed together before Sirius realised what he could now do. He pulled away and removed his own top, tossing it onto the nearest pile of clothes then went back to Remus. They held each other closely, skin on skin, almost in disbelief at how good that felt. Sirius was completely entrapped in the feeling of Remus, how much better this was without the seemingly unnecessary layers they'd worn before. He could smell Remus more intensely now, maybe because his shirt wasn't blocking it, but also maybe because Sirius was just so much more aware of him.

Being with Remus had always been like a dream to Sirius, but this was something else entirely. It wasn’t as if he’d never done anything like this (and more) before with other people, but just this with Remus felt like magic. It was obvious that Remus was no stranger to it either, the way he moved showed no signs of being a beginner. He wasn’t clumsy or overly cautious, it almost felt as if he was psychic, he knew just the right balance of firm and gentle, knew exactly how to make Sirius want more. This carried on until, both of them breathless at once, they grinned at each other. Sirius’ stomach rumbled and his eyes darted towards the clock. Seven thirty.  
“You hungry?”  
“Yeah, you?”  
Sirius chuckled.  
“You could say that, I forgot to eat lunch.”  
Remus shook his head.  
“Sirius, that’s not okay.”  
Sirius huffed.  
“I know, I know. I just forget sometimes. I’m not bad anymore.”  
Remus looked concerned.  
“Anymore?”  
“Don’t worry about it, I’m fine now. Do you want chips? I fancy some chips.”  
Sirius clearly wanted to avoid the subject, so Remus decided not to press.  
“So long as there’s curry sauce I’m up for it.”  
Sirius made a face.  
“Ew.”  
“What’s wrong with curry sauce? It’s a classic.”  
“Since when? What’s wrong with mayo?”  
Remus rolled his eyes.  
“Londoners.”  
“And where _exactly_ did you grow up that’s so much better?”  
"Cardiff. I moved to Yorkshire when I was eleven, but I always consider myself as Welsh."  
"Are you fucking serious?"  
"Not yet I'm not."  
Try as he might, Sirius couldn't help but laugh.  
"That wasn't funny."  
"Well it clearly was."  
Remus had the cheekiest grin on his face.  
"Honestly, I just never expected you to be Welsh."  
"Why not?"  
"You don't have the accent."  
"I never have, I've always had my Dad's accent, plus not _everyone_ from Wales sounds like Tom Jones."  
"Well yeah, but I don't have _my_ parents' accent."  
"But you went to boarding school."  
"Yeah, that's true."  
"What is your parents' accent?"  
Sirius bit his lip nervously.  
"They're… uhm… French."  
Remus chuckled disbelievingly.  
"And you didn't expect me to be Welsh."  
"Yeah well, you don't seem even a little bit Welsh."  
"And you don't seem French."  
Sirius laughed, but Remus didn't get why.  
"What?"  
"I forget sometimes that you don't know me like James does."  
"What does that mean?"  
"It means that sometimes I'm very French."  
"Like how? Can you speak the language?"  
"Can you speak Welsh?"  
"I used to be able to. I went to a Welsh speaking primary school, but I haven't spoken it since I moved so I kind of lost it. But that still doesn't answer my question."  
"Well yes, I can speak French."  
Sirius was reluctant to say. He never particularly liked talking about his family, and the language he was raised speaking was an extension of that.  
"Well that's cool as shit."  
Sirius laughed. He'd never really thought of it like that, never thought that him being bilingual was at all interesting, but the way Remus so eloquently put it made him see it in a slightly better light.  
"Are we getting chips then?"  
"Of course we are. You haven't eaten lunch."

They traped to the chippie that was a couple of streets down from their dorm, exchanging comments on each other's orders. Sirius was even more disgusted when (after ordering his own battered cod and chips) he discovered that Remus wasn’t _just_ getting curry sauce, he was getting half and half. Sirius was leaning on the counter, staring at Remus in disgusted disbelief.  
“What the _fuck_ would possess anyone to have chips _and_ rice?!"  
“It’s got curry too though. Have you ever even tried it?”  
“Why would I have? It’s rank.”  
Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius, collected both their orders with a ‘thank you’, then handed Sirius’ over.  
“When we get back I’m making you try it.”  
Sirius huffed a reluctant ‘fine’ before shifting his newspaper-wrapped chips to his other hand and reached out to hold Remus’.

When they got back, they sat on the fake wood floor of Remus’ room (they had decided that there was too much shit on the floor to go back to Sirius’). They both unfurled their food, the scent of the chips wafting out and filling the room. Remus opened his pot of curry sauce and poured it onto the rice before tucking in with his plastic spork. Sirius had started eating the chips with his hands but soon enough also had to resort to a spork for the fish. They ate for a while before Remus stopped suddenly and looked at Sirius with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. Sirius began to grow concerned about what he was about to do.  
“Try it.”  
“What?”  
“My food. Try it.”  
Sirius then remembered his agreement to try Remus’ blasphemous chips order. He tentatively took the least curry sauce covered chip.  
“Oh come on. You need a proper amount. I’ll do it.”  
Remus then grabbed Sirius’ spork and loaded it with curry saturated rice, with a chip skewered on the short fork. He tried to hand the fork to Sirius but he just turned his nose up at it.  
“You’re like a spoiled child. Am I going to have to literally feed this to you?”  
Sirius pouted and folded his arms. Remus sighed heavily.  
“I am, aren’t I?”  
A slight look of cheek crossed Sirius’ features. Remus raised the fork to Sirius’ mouth and he cautiously took it. He chewed slowly at first, then gradually sped up. Oh my god, this is actually good.   
“So?”  
“It’s… fine.”  
Sirius didn’t want to admit to how much he had liked it, especially considering his previous attitude. Remus looked doubtfully at him.  
“Admit it. You liked it.”  
Sirius blushed a little, Remus’ eye contact was so intense sometimes that he had to look away. He looked away.  
“...Maybe.”  
Remus grinned. He’d won.

After eating (Sirius kept picking at Remus’ food) they just sat on Remus' bed, chatting. It was late and they were both getting obviously tired. It was a Friday and they’d both had lectures basically all that day, so they were both exhausted. Sirius yawned.  
“Are you tired?”  
Remus said through a yawn of his own.  
“A bit.”  
Sirius was more than a bit tired, he was struggling to keep his eyes open.  
“I can go if you want.”  
“Only go if you want to. You must be tired too.”  
“I’m not too bad.”  
Remus was clearly lying. Over the past hour he’d been gradually leaning more, sitting more and more lazily so that at this point he was basically lying down. Sirius yawned again.  
“Okay, maybe a little bit more than a bit.”  
Remus chuckled through another yawn.  
“You could stay here if you want.”  
Sirius was pleasantly surprised.  
“Like to sleep?”  
“No, to sit and guard my room. Of _course_ to sleep. There’s plenty of room.”  
Remus rolled his eyes then patted a hand on the bed which (in all fairness) did have plenty of room. All the dorm rooms had queen size beds which filled up most of the room, but never elicited complaints due to the comfort of sleeping in a larger bed. Sirius smiled  
“I’ll just go get some clothes to sleep in th-”  
But before he could finish, he was hit in the face by a large t-shirt.  
“Just wear that. Do you want any bottoms?”  
Sirius held it up. It was one of Remus’ oversized t-shirts. It was pastel peach with an almost tye-dye look about it. He blushed at the thought of sleeping wearing Remus’ clothes, in Remus’ bed.  
“I usually just sleep in my boxers but-”  
“No, it’s fine, I don’t mind. Do whatever you’re comfortable with.”  
“Okay, thanks.”  
“No problem.”

Sirius wasn’t sure why, but he felt like he needed to go into the ensuite to get changed. When he got out however, completely drowned in Remus’ top, Remus was just getting changed facing the wall. Sirius just watched as he took off his top, stepped out of his jeans, and pulled on a new t-shirt. It was similar in size to the one Sirius was wearing, but this one was a dark shade of earthy green. When he was changed he turned around to see a furiously blushing Sirius. Remus smiled slightly nervously.  
“Which side do you want?”  
“I don’t mind.”  
Sirius shrugged.  
“Well what side do you usually sleep on?”  
“The middle?”  
Remus chuckled a little.  
“I mean when you’re in bed with someone else, what side do you sleep on?”  
Sirius looked at the floor sheepishly.  
“I don’t exactly know.”  
“Have you never slept with anyone before?”  
Remus sounded casual enough, but it just occurred to Sirius what it had sounded like.  
“Oh, no, I mean, I have _slept_ with someone, I just haven’t actually slept - like fallen asleep - with anyone.”  
Sirius started to panic but Remus just smiled kindly.   
“It’s okay Sirius. I don’t mind. I usually sleep on the right so is it okay if you sleep on the left?”  
Sirius looked up, smiling in thanks.  
“Yeah, that works.”

Sirius climbed into bed first since he was by the wall. He watched as Remus climbed in too, it was mesmerizing somehow, his long limbs stretching out and eventually relaxing beside him. They were facing each other, both grinning, both looking into the other’s eyes. It was somewhat strange for Sirius to be actually eye to eye with Remus. Even when sitting down, Remus was always taller, so seeing him like this was something new. Remus brought a hand up and gently stroked the side of Sirius’ face. As ever his hands were slightly rough but so warm, so comfortingly warm. Sirius closed his eyes at the contact, leaning his head closer to Remus.  
“Come closer.”  
Remus whispered gently. Sirius complied and shuffled closer, Remus’ arms wrapping around him as he did so. When Remus pulled him even closer he had to move down a little to let his head rest against Remus’ chest. He could hear his heartbeat, he could smell him so intensely it was almost too much. Sirius couldn’t help but think that if Remus himself hadn’t been there holding him so tight it really _would_ have been too much. Everything smelled slightly different, but all of them smelled of something Remus. He could smell the fabric softener in Remus’ t-shirt, the musky (yep, better than boyish) smell that must be Remus’ deodorant or cologne of some kind, the slightly bookish scent of his room, and finally woody smell that seemed to cling to Remus and everything he owned. Sirius loved that smell, it felt so safe and comforting. It felt like home.

“Do you mind if I turn around? I don’t know where to put my face.”  
Sirius whispered into Remus’ chest. He’d rather quickly been made aware of how close he both wanted to be and simultaneously couldn’t be due to his facing Remus. Every time he moved closer his nose would squish and he’d be struggling to breathe.  
“Of course, whatever makes you comfortable.”  
Remus kissed the top of Sirius’ head before loosening his grip, allowing Sirius to more easily turn. His back was now pressed against Remus. He felt surrounded, completely engulfed in Remus. Remus’ arms were wrapped around his chest and stomach, their legs tangled together, Remus’ breath in his hair. He felt like he was being spooned by a heater, which maybe if it wasn’t mid march (and a particularly cold march too) could’ve been bad, but as was it felt glorious. He didn’t need to be able to see him when he could feel him like this. They seemed to fit so perfectly like this, like a jigsaw of limbs and feelings and warmth.  
“Goodnight Sirius.”  
Remus kissed him on the head again and squeezed him tight for a second before loosening his grip again.  
“Goodnight.”  
Sirius said with a small smile before drifting off into a blissful sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of fluff to finish it off :)

**Chapter 19**

Sirius awoke the next morning to a gentle kiss to the top of his head. He didn’t open his eyes, he just arched his back slightly more into Remus, feeling him stretched out behind him.  
“Morning.”  
Remus said in a husky, slightly croaky voice. It was only just loud enough for Sirius to hear it. The sound made Sirius smile and he shifted around so that he could face Remus.  
“Morning.”  
He mumbled into Remus’ chest. Everything was so cozy, he felt like he’d never slept better in his life. He nuzzled his face into Remus, grabbing handfuls of his oversized t-shirt and pulling him closer. Remus just pressed his face into Sirius’ hair and held him tighter. Sirius could feel Remus’ breathing, hear his heartbeat, smell his woody scent, he opened his eyes and could see his top, his bedsheets. Sirius tilted his head up to look at Remus’ face, he grunted in complaint, his eyes not yet open. His long brown eyelashes fluttered as he opened his eyes to look at Sirius, who was grinning up at him.  
“I swear that’s not allowed.”  
Remus looked confused at Sirius’ remark.  
“Huh?”  
“No one’s allowed to look _that_ good when they’ve just woken up.”  
Remus raised an eyebrow doubtfully.  
“I’m wearing a t-shirt that’s two sizes too big, my hair’s a mess and my eyes are barely even open.”  
“The only reason I haven’t kissed you yet is that I know _exactly_ how bad both of our breath smells.”  
“Reasonable. Morning breath is awful.”  
Sirius chuckled and nuzzled his face back into Remus’ chest, wrapping an arm around his waist.  
“You know we can’t stay here all day?”  
Remus said lightly.  
“Says who?”  
Sirius’ voice came out muffled and mischievous.

As it happens, they _did_ get out of bed eventually. It wasn’t until early afternoon though, when both had declared they were hungry. They didn’t have anything fancy, just whatever they could find in the freezer (they ended up with potato waffles from Remus and dinosaur chicken nuggets from Sirius).   
“Got any ketchup?”  
“I thought you preferred mayo.”  
“That’s with chips, ketchup is a _must_ with dinosaur chicken nuggets.”  
“What about normal ones?”  
“Mayo with them.”  
Remus chuckled.  
“What’s the difference?”  
“Well, when you bite the head off a dinosaur, it feels wrong if there’s no dino blood.”  
Remus sighed, resting his head in one hand. Even though he was clearly exasperated, there was definitely a level of endearment in his gaze.  
“You’re a child.”  
Sirius grinned a goofy grin that just enhanced Remus’ expression.  
“...Top shelf in the fridge.”

After eating, they spent the rest of the day studying. They found a comfy loveseat in the rec room and curled up in it together. Sirius had scattered sheet music all over the coffee table, and Remus was reading a book, filling the margins with annotations.   
“What are you always writing in those books?”  
Sirius sat up and tried to look around the edge but Remus folded the corner of the page and closed the book.  
“Just notes.”  
“Why can’t I see them?”  
“They won’t make sense to you, you haven’t read the book.”  
Sirius looked at him doubtfully.  
“That’s not a reason to hide them.”  
Remus was about to speak, but before he knew it Sirius had snatched the book off of him. Remus protested but didn’t see the point in taking it back, that would just make it worse. Sirius opened the book on the page Remus left off. He stared at the notes and - for the most part - Remus was right. There were lines underlined and labelled important: symbolism and foreshadowing. There were scribbled sentences about character development, and relevance of the season or weather. At first, it seemed like just that. But when he began to actually read it properly, in amongst the annotations were little comments. He’s too distracting and the way his hair falls… magic. Every time Sirius found one, his grin grew wider and Remus blushed more.  
“It’s not-”  
“It’s sweet is what it is.”  
Sirius gave Remus a peck on the cheek before returning to his music. Suffice it to say, Remus spent the whole time until Sirius had to go to work too flustered to read any more.

The next day Sirius realised he’d never given his gift to Remus. Even if Remus _was_ too stubborn to tell him when his birthday was, he was intent on making sure Remus got his gift. It wasn’t very early, sometime between ten and eleven, and Sirius knew Remus would be up, but probably still in his room. So Sirius picked up the neatly wrapped present and went to Remus' room. 

When he knocked on the door, he heard a muffled ‘hang on a sec’ before hearing some stumbling and finally, the door opened. Remus looked tired. His hair was a mess, he’d clearly just gotten dressed in the few seconds before he answered the door, since his t-shirt was draped awkwardly over himself, not quite sitting on his shoulders correctly. Despite his ruffled appearance, he still smiled when he saw Sirius.  
“Hey.”  
Remus said, stifling a yawn.  
“Sorry, is this a bad time?”  
“No, no. It’s fine. Just woke up is all.”  
Remus rubbed a hand across his face and up into his hair. Sirius couldn’t help but just watch in awe. No one’s allowed to look that good when they’ve just woken up.   
“Do you want to… come in?”  
Sirius nodded and smiled in thanks when Remus stepped aside to let him in.

They both sat down on Remus’ bed and Sirius handed him the present.  
“What’s this?”  
Remus said as he studied the strange package.  
“Your birthday present.”  
“Can I open it?”  
“Open it on your birthday. Unless it’s already gone. Has it already gone?”  
Remus turned the present over, looking for the tape and began to pick it off.  
“Nope.”  
“Then why are you opening it?”  
“You said I should open it on my birthday, didn’t you?”  
Remus didn’t look up from the package, but Sirius grinned and shook his head.  
“You’re unbelievable, Remus.”  
Remus finally got all the tape off and gently unwrapped the gift. He bit his lip as he saw what it was, then looked up at Sirius with his eyes, shaking his head slightly.  
“Why am I not surprised?”  
Sirius looked absolutely chuffed.  
“Put it on then.”  
Remus rolled his eyes, and pulled the deer stalker onto his head.  
“How do I look?”  
“In the hat or in general?”  
“In the hat?”  
“Amazing.”  
“In general?”  
“Phenomenal.”  
Remus blushed and looked away, pulling the brim further down seemingly as if trying to hide. But Sirius placed a hand on his face, bringing it back around.  
“Happy birthday Remus.”  
Remus looked away again  
“Please don't.”  
Sirius brought his other hand up, placing it on the other side. He looked right into Remus’ eyes, further even, right into his soul. He saw someone amazing, someone full of bravery and anxiety, someone with a kind heart, possibly even the kindest he’s ever come across. He leaned in and kissed him softly, savouring the moment, then whispered.  
“I think I love you.”  
He heard Remus’ breath hitch before he flung his arms around Sirius.  
“I think I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, I swear it is wolfstar, I just didn't want the chapters not to be too long so Remus doesn't appear properly yet. Chapter three will be very Remus heavy so I promise it will become far more wolfstar-ish from then on.


End file.
